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You ever notice how people always say, "the end is near"? I mean, is it just me, or does that make meal planning a bit tricky? I've started this new diet called the "Apocalypse Diet." It's simple - you eat whatever you want because, let's face it, if the end is near, I'm not worrying about my summer body. I went to a nutritionist the other day and said, "Doc, I need a diet plan." He looked at me and deadpanned, "The end is near, my friend. Enjoy the pizza." So now, instead of counting calories, I'm counting down the days until I run out of snacks. The apocalypse might not have a specific date, but my expiration date with these Oreos does!
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So, they keep saying the end is near, and I'm starting to think the fashion industry got the memo. Have you seen the latest apocalyptic fashion trends? Gas masks are the new must-have accessory, and hazmat suits are the new little black dress. I walked into a store the other day, and the salesperson said, "This riot gear will really bring out your eyes." Fashion shows have changed too. Instead of models strutting down the runway, it's more like a parade of people showcasing how well they can outrun zombies in those high heels. The catwalk has become the apocalypse walk, and the only thing we're ready to slay is the impending doom, one stylish gas mask at a time.
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They keep telling us the end is near, but let's be honest, we're all procrastinating on preparing for it. I bought a doomsday prep kit the other day, and it's still sitting in my living room untouched. I keep telling myself, "I'll organize it when the end gets a bit closer." I've labeled it my "Last Minute Survival Kit," emphasis on the last minute. I even considered joining a doomsday prepper group, but then I thought, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow." Procrastination is my superpower, and I'm pretty sure I can negotiate with the apocalypse. "Hey, apocalypse, can we reschedule for next week? I have a dentist appointment, and I'm not missing out on my cleaning.
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They say the end is near, and you know what that means - dating just got a whole lot more interesting. Forget swiping left or right; now it's all about swiping survival skills. My dating profile now reads, "Looking for a partner who can start a fire without matches and doesn't mind sharing a bunker." I went on a date recently, and the guy asked, "What's your five-year plan?" I said, "Buddy, if we make it through the next five months, I'll be impressed." Forget about compatibility; now we're checking if they have a bug-out bag or at least know how to change a flat tire in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Romance isn't dead; it's just waiting for the right doomsday scenario.
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