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You know, I was hanging out with this friend the other day. Great guy, but he's got that whole emo thing going on. You know the type—the dark clothes, the dramatic sighs, the whole "life is meaningless" vibe. I asked him, "Why so serious?" And he goes, "Life is just a series of meaningless moments." I'm like, "Dude, you sound like a fortune cookie having an existential crisis." I mean, being around him is like walking on emotional eggshells. One minute he's quoting poetry about the futility of existence, and the next, he's asking if I've seen his eyeliner. I told him, "Buddy, if life is so bleak, at least let me borrow some of that black eyeliner to fill in my existential eyebrows.
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I imagine job interviews for emos must be a real trip. The interviewer asks, "So, tell me about yourself." And the emo candidate responds with, "Existence is pain, and I am but a vessel of sorrow navigating the cruel sea of life." The interviewer is just sitting there, regretting their life choices. I can picture it now: "What are your strengths?" "I excel at brooding and creating playlists that perfectly capture the essence of human suffering." "And your weaknesses?" "Sunlight, happiness, and team-building exercises." I guess if you want someone to bring a unique perspective to your team, hire an emo. Just make sure they don't turn the breakroom into a shrine of despair.
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I recently discovered that they've developed a new GPS system just for emos. Yeah, instead of saying, "Turn left at the next intersection," it says things like, "Turn left into the abyss of your own despair." I tried it out, and let me tell you, it took me to some really dark places—both metaphorically and literally. I'm driving along, and the GPS goes, "In 500 feet, contemplate the futility of reaching your destination." I'm like, "Can we not do this right now? I just want to get to the grocery store." It even had a feature where it suggests alternative routes based on the most depressing scenery. I ended up taking the scenic route through a cemetery. Thanks, emo GPS.
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I heard emos have their own fitness routine now. It's called "The Existential Workout." Instead of lifting weights, you lift the weight of your own existence. Picture this: instead of a personal trainer yelling, "One more rep!" they scream, "One more reason to question the absurdity of our existence!" And cardio is just standing in front of a mirror, contemplating the passage of time. Instead of hydration breaks, you take breaks to hydrate your soul with the tears of your own despair. It's the only workout where the cool-down involves lying on the floor and questioning every life choice that led you to this point. If you're looking for a workout that leaves you physically exhausted and emotionally drained, this is the one for you.
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