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You guys ever notice how we're living in the era of political correctness? I mean, it's like the PC Police are out there patrolling every conversation. You can't say anything without someone giving you the side-eye. I told my friend the other day, "I like my coffee like I like my humor – dark and bitter." He looked at me like I just insulted his grandmother. Come on, lighten up! I'm just talking about coffee! Seems like everything is offensive these days. I tried to compliment my co-worker on her new haircut. I said, "Wow, your hair looks amazing today!" She replied, "Are you saying it looked bad yesterday?" I was like, "No, I just... never mind, I'll just stick to commenting on the weather from now on."
And don't even get me started on gender-neutral language. I tried using "they" as a singular pronoun, and my grandma thought I had a split personality. She was like, "Who is this 'they' you're talking about? Do you need therapy?" I was like, "No, Grandma, I just want to avoid awkward conversations.
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Navigating language today is like walking a tightrope over a pit of sharks. You gotta be careful with every word you choose. I was at a party, and someone asked me what I did for a living. I said, "I'm a fireman." Immediately, someone corrected me, saying, "You mean a firefighter, right?" I was like, "No, I put out fires. I'm not fighting the fires, giving them motivational speeches." And have you noticed how every manual and document now has a section on inclusive language? I was reading the instructions for my toaster the other day, and it said, "Make sure to refer to your toaster as 'appliance of bread transformation' to avoid offending other kitchen gadgets." I just want my toast, not a lecture on linguistic sensitivity.
I get it, we want to be respectful, but I feel like we're turning into a society of language ninjas, ready to strike down anyone who slips up. I'm just waiting for the day when I accidentally call my cat the wrong pronoun, and she gives me the silent treatment for a week.
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Have you guys heard about cancel culture? It's like the modern-day version of the Spanish Inquisition. One wrong move, and bam, you're canceled. I made a joke on Twitter the other day, and before I knew it, I had a hashtag trending against me. I was canceled for bad puns. Bad puns! I didn't know puns were a crime against humanity. I understand we need to hold people accountable, but canceling someone for a tweet they made when they were 16 is a bit much. I mean, if we applied that logic to everyone, we'd have to cancel half the population for their embarrassing MySpace profiles. Tom from MySpace would be public enemy number one.
But seriously, it's a crazy world out there. I'm afraid to tell people I'm a stand-up comedian. They might dig up a joke from my first open mic and cancel me for my questionable taste in humor. It's like walking on eggshells, but the eggs are landmines, and the shells are made of glass.
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I've started to notice a trend – people are afraid of comedy now. I did a show last week, and the audience looked more terrified than if I had brought a live tiger on stage. I made a harmless knock-knock joke, and half the crowd ducked for cover. I was like, "It's okay, folks, I promise I won't bite. Unless you're a heckler. Then all bets are off." Comedy used to be the great unifier, the thing that brought people together. Now it's like defusing a bomb. I tell a joke, and I can see the tension in the room. It's like defusing a bomb with puns – "Why did the bomb go to therapy? It had too much explosive personality."
I miss the days when we could all laugh together without worrying about stepping on someone's toes. Maybe we need a support group for people afraid of punchlines. "Hi, I'm John, and I'm terrified of dad jokes." The first step is admitting it, right?
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