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I heard about this polite kidnapper who apologized to his victim. Can you believe that? "I'm really sorry, but it's just business." I mean, who knew kidnapping could come with manners? It's like he was offering customer service feedback forms – "On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with your kidnapping experience?" And imagine the victim's confusion, expecting a rough and tough criminal but getting a guy who says, "Excuse me, could you please stay quiet back there? I'm trying to focus on the road." It's like a kidnapping and an Uber ride rolled into one.
I can see it now, a kidnapper with a checklist: "Did I blindfold them? Check. Did I leave a note for the family? Check. Did I say 'please' and 'thank you'? Check." It's like he's kidnapping people but also trying to earn a Miss Manners award.
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Have you heard about these do-it-yourself kidnapping kits? Apparently, you can order them online. Who thought this was a good idea? "Honey, I got you a kidnapping kit for our anniversary!" Imagine a guy in his basement assembling this kit, feeling like he's building IKEA furniture, but with more felonies. And what's in these kits anyway? Zip ties, duct tape, and a guidebook titled "Kidnapping for Dummies." Is there a customer service hotline? "Hello, I'm having trouble tying knots. Can you walk me through it?" It's like kidnapping has become the new arts and crafts project.
I can see it now, a bunch of kidnappers comparing their DIY kits like kids with Pokémon cards. "I'll trade you two duct tapes for a chloroform spray." It's like they're trying to make crime a team sport.
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So, I read about this guy who tried to kidnap someone but accidentally locked himself in the trunk of his own car. I mean, talk about a plot twist! It's like a criminal version of a sitcom – "The Bumbling Kidnapper." I can already see the tagline: "He's bad at crime, but he's worse at escape plans." Can you imagine being rescued by your victim? "Thanks for trying to kidnap me, but you clearly need a lesson in criminal efficiency." I bet his criminal career ended with a Yelp review from the person he tried to abduct.
And I love how we're getting these news stories about the world's worst criminals. It's like they're auditioning for a reality show, "America's Got Criminals." "Our next contestant can't even get a ransom note right!
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You know, I was watching the news the other day, and they were talking about this new trend in crime, like kidnapping for ransom. I mean, who are these people? Are they outsourcing their work? "Hey, honey, remember to pick up the dry cleaning, and oh, if you have time, kidnap someone for some extra cash!" But seriously, what kind of job is kidnapping? I can't imagine the job interview for that. "So, what's your previous experience?" "Well, I was great at hide and seek as a kid, does that count?" And the employee handbook must be something like, "Rule #1: No kidnapping your own family members. It's just awkward at Thanksgiving."
You know they say laughter is the best medicine? Well, I'm just waiting for the day when I'm kidnapped, and the guy's like, "Tell me a joke, and maybe I'll let you go." At that point, I'll just be hoping my punchline is strong enough to save my life.
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