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Why did the kidnapper bring a notebook? To jot down his 'abduction' notes!
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Why did the kidnapper bring a ladder to the crime scene? Because he wanted to take the kidnapping to the next level!
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Why did the kidnapper take a bath before the abduction? He wanted a clean getaway!
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Why did the kidnapper enroll in a music class? He wanted to learn how to 'abduct' harmony!
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Why did the kidnapper start a landscaping business? He wanted to specialize in 'abductions'!
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Why did the kidnapper become a gardener? He wanted to 'plant' fear in people's hearts!
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Why did the kidnapper break up with his GPS? It kept telling him to turn himself in!
The Kidnapper's Cooking Show
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So, I was flipping through channels, and I stumbled upon a cooking show hosted by a kidnapper. He was like, Today, we're making 'Captured Crab' and 'Hostage Hash.' The secret ingredient is fear – adds that extra kick to the flavor. I think it's safe to say the show was a bit too spicy for my taste.
Kidnapper's Uber Service
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I tried out this new ride-sharing service the other day – Kidnapr. It's like Uber but for abductions. You can choose your kidnapper based on their profile – John: specializes in surprise parties, or Emily: offers a free taser demonstration during the ride.
When Your Kidnapper Has a Yelp Rating
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Have you heard about the latest trend? Kidnappers now have Yelp ratings. Yeah, apparently, abductors are getting reviewed online. Five stars for good communication, four stars for a clean van, and the occasional one star if they forget to offer snacks. Got kidnapped, but the complimentary water was a nice touch – would be kidnapped again!
The Kidnapper's Dating App
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You know, I heard they're launching a new dating app exclusively for kidnappers. It's called Tinder-nap. Swipe right if you like their criminal record, left if their ransom demands are too high. And if you match, they'll abduct you for a romantic dinner – or at least that's what the disclaimer says.
Kidnapper's Anonymous Meetings
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Did you guys know there are support groups for kidnappers? Yeah, it's called Kidnapper's Anonymous. Picture this – they all sit in a circle and share their experiences. Hi, I'm Dave, and I once accidentally kidnapped the wrong person. It was a real 'oops, my bad' moment.
The Kidnapper’s Guide to Time Management
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So, apparently, there's a new self-help book out there for kidnappers. It's called The Kidnapper’s Guide to Time Management. Because, you know, you don't want to be late for the ransom drop-off – punctuality is key when you're in the kidnapping business. Imagine a kidnapper with a Day Planner: 9 AM – Abduction, 12 PM – Lunch, 3 PM – Intimidation, and, of course, 6 PM – Return the Kid if the Price is Right.
The Kidnapper's Fitness Routine
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I've been trying to get in shape lately, and I stumbled upon a kidnapper's workout routine. Apparently, lifting ransom bags is an excellent way to build those biceps. Forget dumbbells; just grab a bag of money and start doing curls. It's the criminal version of a CrossFit workout – Robbery Reps!
Kidnapping for Dummies
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I found a new book at the bookstore the other day – Kidnapping for Dummies. I thought, really? Is that a skill you want to dumb down? It has chapters like Choosing the Right Hideout and Negotiating Ransom Like a Pro. Because nothing says 'for dummies' like a step-by-step guide to felony.
Kidnapper's Yoga Retreat
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You know you're in a strange place when even kidnappers need a break. Apparently, there's a new trend – kidnapper's yoga retreats. Imagine a group of criminals doing downward dogs in between plotting ransom schemes. Namaste, but keep the blindfold on.
When Your Kidnapper Has a Podcast
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So, I was browsing podcasts the other day, and I came across this strange one called Kidnap Chat. Turns out, it's hosted by a professional kidnapper. I couldn't resist – I gave it a listen. They had an entire episode dedicated to the best zip ties and another one on the art of a threatening phone call. It's like, Welcome back to Kidnap Chat – where crime meets conversation!
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