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Let's talk about smoothies, the camouflage of the health food world. You throw in some spinach, kale, chia seeds, and suddenly it's a "green goddess detox elixir." I'm convinced if you put anything in a blender, it becomes a health potion. I tried making a smoothie once with every superfood I could find. It looked like something a unicorn threw up. I took a sip, and it tasted like regret. I think the blender laughed at me. The more ingredients you add, the less it tastes like anything recognizable. It's like a culinary witness protection program.
And don't get me started on protein powder. It's like the powdered wig of the fitness world. I don't want my smoothie to taste like a chalk factory exploded in it. If I wanted that, I'd just lick a chalkboard.
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Let's talk about tofu. They say it's a blank canvas, you can make it taste like anything. Well, I tried making it taste like pizza once, and it ended up tasting like disappointment. Tofu absorbs flavors like a sponge, but it forgets to bring those flavors to the party. And have you noticed tofu has different textures? There's firm, extra firm, silken – it's like tofu is auditioning for a role in a high school play. "Which tofu will get the lead role in tonight's dinner?" It's like a tofu beauty pageant.
But let's be real, tofu is the undercover agent of the health food world. You think you're having chicken, but it's tofu in disguise. I want my tofu to be honest with me, like, "Hey, I'm tofu, and I'm here to make your stir-fry less exciting.
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You ever try to be healthy and order a salad at a restaurant? I mean, who are we kidding? It's like, "I'll have the garden salad, extra guilt, please!" You think you're doing something good for your body, but then they bring you this bowl of leaves, and you're like, "Where's the ranch dressing? Did it get lost on its way to flavor town?" I ordered a salad the other day, and it had kale in it. Kale! The only thing kale is good for is as a decorative piece at a buffet. You can't convince me that people genuinely enjoy chewing on kale. It's like trying to eat a bouquet from a vegan florist.
And they always say, "Oh, it's so good for you, packed with nutrients." Yeah, well, so is chocolate cake if you look at it under the right light. I want a salad that's so good, the lettuce is jealous of the bacon bits.
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Who came up with quinoa? I mean, it sounds like the noise your stomach makes when you realize you just had a healthy meal. "Quinoa! Quinoa! Abort mission, we need pizza!" Quinoa is supposed to be a substitute for rice. Let me tell you, that's like trying to replace your favorite pet with a goldfish. It's just not the same. Rice is like the comfort food of grains; quinoa is the overachieving cousin nobody likes at family gatherings.
I tried cooking quinoa once, and it looked at me like, "You don't know what you're doing, do you?" It's like a rebellious teenager of the pantry. "Boil me, simmer me, fluff me." It's a diva in the grain world.
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