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You ever notice how relationships come with their own kind of expiration date? It starts all fresh and exciting, like a new jar of pickles. But over time, it's more like, "Yeah, these pickles are a bit too sour now, just like our conversations." And then there's that phase when you realize you've hit the relationship expiry date. Suddenly, you're both staring at each other, and the only thing you have in common is a shared Netflix account. It's like trying to use a coupon way past its due date – technically still there, but good luck getting any value out of it.
I tried asking my ex why our relationship expired, and she said, "We just grew apart." Grew apart? It's not a loaf of bread; you can't just leave it on the counter and expect it to evolve into a baguette. Maybe relationships need a "best before" label.
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You ever notice how procrastination has its own kind of perishables? Like, you put off doing your taxes, and suddenly it's April 14th, and you're sitting there surrounded by receipts, wondering if the IRS accepts IOUs. I've mastered the art of procrastination. I've got a to-do list that's been around longer than some Hollywood marriages. "Learn a new language" has been on there so long, I'm starting to forget the one I already know.
And don't even get me started on gym memberships. I signed up thinking, "This is the year I get ripped!" Now the only thing ripped is my membership card. It's like I'm paying a monthly fee for the privilege of feeling guilty.
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Social media is a wild place, right? It's like a supermarket of personalities, and we're all picking the most Instagrammable avocados from the tree of life. But have you noticed how there's an expiration date on online popularity? I posted a selfie the other day, and I swear, the algorithm looked at it and said, "This content is expired; please remove it from the feed." It's like my posts have a shorter shelf life than a carton of eggs in a heatwave.
And let's talk about trends. Remember planking? Yeah, that was a thing for about two weeks. I tried it recently, and people were like, "Dude, that's so 2011." I'm just waiting for someone to tell me my favorite meme is vintage now.
So, the next time you're scrolling through social media, just remember, we're all living on borrowed time in the world of likes and shares. It's like a popularity lottery, and my numbers seem to expire before the draw.
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You know, life comes with its own set of expiration dates. I mean, not the milk carton kind, but those unspoken deadlines that sneak up on you. Like, you hit 30, and suddenly your metabolism says, "Yeah, I'm retiring, enjoy the dad bod!" And I'm thinking, "Is there an extension I can apply for on this deadline? Maybe a grace period?" And don't get me started on technology. The other day, my phone gave me a notification saying my warranty is about to expire. I didn't even know my phone had a warranty. I thought I was on a pay-as-you-go plan with my phone, you know, just like my energy levels.
So, now I'm at this point in life where I'm checking expiration dates more than my horoscope. "Let's see, my gym membership - oh, that's long gone. Dreams of becoming a rockstar? Expired. That salad in the fridge? Ancient history."
And have you ever tried to use something after its expiration date? It's like playing a game of culinary Russian roulette. "This milk smells okay, right? What could go wrong?" Spoiler alert: a lot can go wrong.
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