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Can we talk about the awkward small talk during a blood draw? The phlebotomist is there, needle in hand, and suddenly we're discussing the weather, like we're having tea in the garden. "Oh, it's a bit chilly today, isn't it? By the way, I'll be extracting your life essence shortly." And they always ask you, "Are you okay with needles?" No, I'm not okay with needles! Who's okay with needles? If you meet someone who's okay with needles, they're either lying or secretly a superhero.
I'm just sitting there, trying to come up with interesting conversation topics while avoiding the fact that there's a needle in my arm. "Did you catch that new movie?" "How 'bout them sports?" Anything to distract from the fact that my veins are on display like an exhibit at the Body Works museum.
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So, the other day, I was at the clinic for a blood draw, and I swear these phlebotomists have developed ninja-like needle skills. They approach you with that needle like they're about to engage in a duel. It's not a blood draw; it's a martial art. I'm sitting there thinking, "Is this a secret part of the medical training? Do they have dojo sessions where they practice needle jabs on watermelons or something?" I half expect them to start throwing shurikens made of band-aids.
And they always try to distract you by talking about the weather or your weekend plans. Meanwhile, they're gearing up to strike. It's like, "Hey, while we're discussing my favorite Netflix show, you're turning my arm into a pincushion!
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You ever have dreams about your blood draw? No? Just me? I had this nightmare that my phlebotomist was a vampire. I walked into the clinic, and instead of a medical uniform, she had a cape and fangs. I was like, "Are you sure you're here for my blood or a midnight snack?" She starts talking about how she prefers O-negative because it has a nice, robust flavor. I'm sitting there thinking, "This is not the kind of bite-sized entertainment I signed up for!"
But seriously, in the dream, she finishes the draw, puts a Band-Aid on my arm, and then whispers, "I'll see you in your nightmares." Now every time I go for a blood draw, I half-expect the phlebotomist to ask if I have garlic in my veins.
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You know, I recently had to get a blood draw. Yeah, that awkward moment when you're sitting there, and a total stranger is about to take a piece of you. It's like, "Sure, take my blood, but can we at least start with small talk? Maybe compliment my veins or something?" And then they bring out that tourniquet, and I swear, it feels like they're auditioning for a magician's assistant role. "Ladies and gentlemen, watch as I make this vein disappear!" I'm just waiting for them to pull out a rabbit at this point.
But the best part is when they tell you to look away if you're squeamish. Like, "Oh yeah, I was planning on staring intensely at the needle going into my arm. Thanks for the advice, Captain Obvious!" It's a blood draw, not a horror movie, although sometimes it feels like it.
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