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You ever been to someone's house and noticed they have a room full of stuffed animals? Not the cute, fluffy kind, but the ones with glass eyes staring into your soul. You walk in, and it's like the cast of "The Lion King" is holding a board meeting. I mean, family photos are awkward enough without adding taxidermy to the mix. "Here's Aunt Mildred, and next to her is a majestic mountain goat. Don't mind the goat; he's just Uncle Bob's hunting trophy."
And let's talk about holiday gatherings. Nothing says "festive" like a turkey on the table that looks like it's ready to give a TED Talk. "Today, we gather to give thanks and discuss the importance of proper stuffing techniques.
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You know, I recently found out what a taxidermist is. Now, that's a job title that just sounds like someone mistyped "tax accountant" on their resume. You can imagine the confusion: Interviewer: "So, you're applying for the taxidermist position?"
Applicant: "No, no! I'm excellent with numbers. I just misplaced a decimal once... or twice."
But seriously, taxidermists are the only folks who can make your pet look both alive and dead at the same time. It's like, "Congratulations, Fluffy, you're immortal! Just a little more stiff than usual."
And imagine if they applied taxidermy techniques to everyday situations. You go to a fast food joint, order a burger, and the cashier says, "Do you want that stuffed?" I'd be like, "No, I just want to eat it, not mount it on my wall!
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Dating a taxidermist must be an experience. Can you imagine the romantic gestures? Partner: "Honey, I got you something special."
You excitedly unwrap the gift, and it's a stuffed raccoon holding a heart. "It reminded me of us, you know, scavenging through the junk of life together."
And the pet names would be something else. "My little taxidermy masterpiece, you're the fox to my rabbit, the squirrel to my tree."
I can picture the proposal now. Instead of getting down on one knee, it's more like getting down on one taxidermy stand. "Will you be my forever-stuffed companion?
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I was thinking, being a taxidermist must be a strange job. I mean, how do you explain your day to friends and family? Friend: "So, what did you do at work today?"
Taxidermist: "Oh, you know, just brought a few animals back to life, the usual."
And then there's the moral dilemma they must face. Like, are they in a constant internal debate over whether to stuff the squirrel they found on the road or give it a proper burial? "To stuff or not to stuff, that is the question!"
I can imagine a taxidermist at a party, trying to impress someone:
Person: "What do you do for a living?"
Taxidermist: "I'm in the business of making dead things look alive. It's a living!
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