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I'm thinking about starting my own therapy session – "Not Surprised Therapy." People come in, share their deepest secrets, and I respond with a deadpan face and say, "Not surprised." Instant therapy success. Therapists are always trying to give you that "aha" moment. Well, I'm here to give you the "duh" moment. You're not shocking me with your issues; I've seen it all. My therapy sessions would be like a standup routine, but instead of laughter, you get the reassurance that life is predictably unpredictable.
Picture this: someone spills their heart out about their complicated relationships, and I just nod and say, "Welcome to the club – the 'Not Surprised' club. We meet every Tuesday at 7. You'll fit right in."
Therapy doesn't have to be all serious and deep. Sometimes, you just need someone to look you in the eyes and say, "Yeah, life's weird. Not surprised.
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I've decided to take my not-surprised attitude to the Olympics. Why? Because I'm ready for any event, any outcome. You could throw me into a gymnastics competition, and I'd stick the landing and go, "Easy." I've got the perfect strategy for every sport. In the 100-meter dash, I'd start by saying, "You guys are in for a treat," and then jog leisurely to the finish line. Not surprised when I win by a landslide.
Imagine me at the high jump. "Is that the world record height? Not surprised. Watch this." I'd clear it with room to spare. They'd have to raise the bar into the stratosphere to catch me off guard.
I'm envisioning my gold medal ceremony already. They put the medal around my neck, and I look at the crowd saying, "Called it." The most predictable Olympian in history. Move over, surprises; I'm taking home the gold.
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You know, I've reached a point in my life where I'm just not surprised anymore. It's like I've become the Gandalf of everyday life. You shall not surprise me! I've seen it all, folks. The other day, someone told me some shocking news, and I just looked at them dead in the eyes and said, "Not surprised." I've mastered the art of keeping a neutral face. It's my superpower. You could tell me that pigs are flying, and I'd probably say, "Well, it was bound to happen eventually."
I think my lack of surprise is affecting my relationships. My friend called me and said, "I have something to tell you, but you're not gonna believe it." And I'm like, "Try me." Spoiler alert: I totally believed it.
Seems like my life has turned into a never-ending episode of a sitcom where the laugh track is replaced with me saying, "Not surprised." It's not that I'm pessimistic; I've just upgraded to realistic. Call it realism, call it experience, or call it lazy expectations, but nothing fazes me anymore.
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I've become a detective of the unsurprised. Seriously, give me any situation, and I'll solve it with my not-surprised attitude. Sherlock Holmes? More like Surlock Not-So-Holmes. I was at a crime scene once, and the detective was like, "This is a shocker, isn't it?" I looked at the body, raised an eyebrow, and said, "Not surprised. People are crazy." The detective stared at me like I had just cracked the case wide open.
I'm thinking of starting a detective agency. Our motto? "We knew it was coming." Our tagline? "Solving crimes with zero shock value." Just imagine the crime dramas with me as the lead detective. The dramatic music builds up, and I stroll in saying, "I already knew who did it. Case closed."
I might not have the classic detective trench coat, but I've got an invisible cloak of nonchalance. Not surprised? That's my super-sleuth power.
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