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Introduction: My friend Steve always claimed he could predict everything, even the unpredictable. Naturally, this led to a wager—he bet he could predict exactly what his barber would say during his next haircut.
Main Event:
As the barber started snipping away, Steve confidently recited what he thought the barber would say next. "You know, Steve, your hair is like life—short and unpredictable." The barber stared at him, clippers frozen mid-air, and then burst into laughter. "You got me there, buddy, but let's not give up on life just yet."
But Steve wasn't done. He predicted the next line, "You must have a sixth sense for hair, Steve." The barber winked, "More like a sixth sense for bad jokes." As the haircut continued, Steve predicted every word, including the accidental snip that left him with a surprising bald spot. The barber chuckled, "Some things are just meant to be, Steve."
Conclusion:
Steve left the barber with a perfectly predicted haircut and a newfound respect for the unpredictable nature of scissors in the hands of a man who'd rather be a comedian.
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Introduction: Enter Madame Zara, the local fortune teller who claimed to know everyone's fate. For a lark, my friend Alex decided to test her skills, convinced he was a master of unpredictability.
Main Event:
As Alex sat across from Madame Zara, she peered into her crystal ball and said, "I see a future filled with surprises." Alex smirked, thinking he had outsmarted her. "But, they won't surprise you because you're expecting them," she added, leaving Alex dumbfounded.
She continued to predict the mundane aspects of his day with eerie accuracy. "You will find a $5 bill in your pocket, but you won't be surprised because you'll remember putting it there." Alex, undeterred, challenged her to predict something truly unexpected. With a sly smile, she whispered, "You'll trip over an imaginary rock, and it won't surprise you because you'll be too busy looking for it."
Conclusion:
Defeated, Alex left the tent muttering about how even fate wasn't unpredictable anymore. Madame Zara shrugged, "Some people are just destined to be underwhelmed, my dear."
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Introduction: Last week, our dear friend Greg was turning 40, and we decided to throw him a surprise party. Now, Greg is a man of perpetual skepticism. He claims he's never surprised, as if his finely tuned senses can detect a surprise from miles away. Challenge accepted.
Main Event:
As the guests gathered, we meticulously orchestrated the surprise. The lights dimmed, and we all shouted, "Surprise!" as Greg walked in. His face, however, remained unchanged. Instead, he looked around and deadpanned, "Well, color me unshocked." We'd hired a jazz band, a magician, and a clown juggling flaming bowling pins—Greg's response was an unimpressed, "Standard Tuesday evening for me."
Things took a turn when the magician accidentally made the cake disappear. Greg, ever the realist, sighed, "I knew that cake was too good to be true." But when the magician, sweating profusely, finally brought back the cake, Greg deadpanned again, "You owe me a wish, and it better be a good one."
Conclusion:
In the end, as we handed Greg his presents, he looked at the pile and said, "Not surprised, but impressed by the efficient use of wrapping paper." We realized that for Greg, life's biggest surprise was that surprises themselves were utterly unsurprising.
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Introduction: John decided to propose to his girlfriend Sarah, and being the spontaneous type, he wanted to catch her completely off guard. Little did he know, Sarah had a talent for foreseeing the future—especially when it came to her own life.
Main Event:
One evening at their favorite restaurant, John got down on one knee, ring in hand, and said, "Sarah, will you marry me?" Sarah looked unsurprised and replied, "I thought you'd never ask." John, hoping for a more dramatic response, asked if she had any inkling of his plans.
With a wry smile, Sarah explained, "Last night, I dreamt you proposed at this exact table, wearing that exact suit, and even the waiter gave us a free dessert." John, feeling a bit deflated, said, "Well, at least I'm consistent." Sarah, unimpressed, added, "Predictably so."
Conclusion:
As they celebrated their engagement, John realized that even in the realm of love, some surprises are just too foreseeable. Sarah, however, was happily unsurprised by the predictability of her happily-ever-after.
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I'm thinking about starting my own therapy session – "Not Surprised Therapy." People come in, share their deepest secrets, and I respond with a deadpan face and say, "Not surprised." Instant therapy success. Therapists are always trying to give you that "aha" moment. Well, I'm here to give you the "duh" moment. You're not shocking me with your issues; I've seen it all. My therapy sessions would be like a standup routine, but instead of laughter, you get the reassurance that life is predictably unpredictable.
Picture this: someone spills their heart out about their complicated relationships, and I just nod and say, "Welcome to the club – the 'Not Surprised' club. We meet every Tuesday at 7. You'll fit right in."
Therapy doesn't have to be all serious and deep. Sometimes, you just need someone to look you in the eyes and say, "Yeah, life's weird. Not surprised.
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I've decided to take my not-surprised attitude to the Olympics. Why? Because I'm ready for any event, any outcome. You could throw me into a gymnastics competition, and I'd stick the landing and go, "Easy." I've got the perfect strategy for every sport. In the 100-meter dash, I'd start by saying, "You guys are in for a treat," and then jog leisurely to the finish line. Not surprised when I win by a landslide.
Imagine me at the high jump. "Is that the world record height? Not surprised. Watch this." I'd clear it with room to spare. They'd have to raise the bar into the stratosphere to catch me off guard.
I'm envisioning my gold medal ceremony already. They put the medal around my neck, and I look at the crowd saying, "Called it." The most predictable Olympian in history. Move over, surprises; I'm taking home the gold.
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You know, I've reached a point in my life where I'm just not surprised anymore. It's like I've become the Gandalf of everyday life. You shall not surprise me! I've seen it all, folks. The other day, someone told me some shocking news, and I just looked at them dead in the eyes and said, "Not surprised." I've mastered the art of keeping a neutral face. It's my superpower. You could tell me that pigs are flying, and I'd probably say, "Well, it was bound to happen eventually."
I think my lack of surprise is affecting my relationships. My friend called me and said, "I have something to tell you, but you're not gonna believe it." And I'm like, "Try me." Spoiler alert: I totally believed it.
Seems like my life has turned into a never-ending episode of a sitcom where the laugh track is replaced with me saying, "Not surprised." It's not that I'm pessimistic; I've just upgraded to realistic. Call it realism, call it experience, or call it lazy expectations, but nothing fazes me anymore.
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I've become a detective of the unsurprised. Seriously, give me any situation, and I'll solve it with my not-surprised attitude. Sherlock Holmes? More like Surlock Not-So-Holmes. I was at a crime scene once, and the detective was like, "This is a shocker, isn't it?" I looked at the body, raised an eyebrow, and said, "Not surprised. People are crazy." The detective stared at me like I had just cracked the case wide open.
I'm thinking of starting a detective agency. Our motto? "We knew it was coming." Our tagline? "Solving crimes with zero shock value." Just imagine the crime dramas with me as the lead detective. The dramatic music builds up, and I stroll in saying, "I already knew who did it. Case closed."
I might not have the classic detective trench coat, but I've got an invisible cloak of nonchalance. Not surprised? That's my super-sleuth power.
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. Not surprised; she always takes things literally.
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I asked the mirror if it could compliment me. It said, 'Not unless you smile.' I wasn't surprised; it always reflects the truth.
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I told my friend he should embrace his mistakes. He gave me a bear hug. Not surprised; he always goes for the big gestures.
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I told my dog he could sit wherever he wanted. He looked surprised and chose the sofa. I should have seen that coming; he's got good 'sitting' instincts.
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I told my wife she should start embracing her mistakes. She hugged me. Not surprised; she's always finding creative ways to avoid admitting she's wrong.
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I asked the math teacher if I could bring my pet to class. She said, 'Sure, just don't let it distract you.' I brought my pet rock. Not surprised; it's very low-maintenance.
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Why did the computer go to therapy? It was not surprised it had too many issues!
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I told my cat she should embrace her mistakes. She knocked a vase off the table. Not surprised; she's a firm believer in 'paw-sitive' reinforcement.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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My friend bet me $20 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on his face as I drove pasta!
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Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. Not surprised there!
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I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.' Not surprised there!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. The crows, however, were not surprised.
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I asked my computer for a joke, and it said, 'Not enough memory.' I wasn't surprised; it's always forgetting things.
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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk, I have this weird accent. My friends weren't surprised; they said I always speak with 'fresh' breath!
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I told my wife she was leaving me because of my obsession with astrology. She was shocked, and I was not surprised; it was written in the stars.
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Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. Not surprised; it takes backbone to stand up to someone.
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I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough. My friends weren't surprised when I quit; they said I couldn't make enough dough.
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Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. The lettuce and cucumbers, however, were not surprised.
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I asked my phone for a joke, and it said, 'I can't find one.' I wasn't surprised; it's always losing its sense of humor.
Office Worker
Mundane Office Life vs. Lack of Shock Factor
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Honestly, I'm not surprised by the office coffee anymore. It's like a liquid apology; it says sorry for being tasteless every morning.
Foodie
Culinary Adventures vs. Food Predictability
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They say presentation matters in food. Well, I'm not surprised; I've seen desserts dressed fancier than I am on a night out.
Parent
Parenthood Realities vs. 'Seen It All' Attitude
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The other day, my toddler gave a crayon masterpiece to our pet dog as a gift. Not surprised; I think my dog has an art collection now.
Tech Enthusiast
Advanced Technology vs. Predictability
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They say AI can predict our behavior. Well, I'm not surprised; my laptop knows me better than my therapist at this point.
World Traveler
Global Adventures vs. Jaded Worldview
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Getting lost in a foreign city used to be scary. Now, it's just a 'choose your own adventure' game. Not surprised, just exploring the scenic routes.
My Relationship with Technology
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My phone's predictive text feature thinks it knows me so well. I start typing, and it suggests words like it’s reading my mind. But here's the thing—I'm not surprised by the suggestions anymore. It’s like having a conversation with a friend who finishes your sentences, and you're like, Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say that. You're not a psychic, you're just a really pushy text editor.
Online Shopping Adventures
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Online shopping is a rollercoaster of emotions. You click Buy Now, and for the next few days, you're on this emotional high. Then the package arrives, and it's like, Wow, not surprised that I thought this shirt would look better on the model than it does on me. Turns out I'm not a six-foot-two runway model; I’m just a regular person.”
Not Surprised No More
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You know, they say life is full of surprises, but honestly, at this point, I’m not surprised by anything. I’m not surprised when my alarm goes off in the morning, reminding me it's time to adult. I'm not surprised when I open my fridge and find out it's still empty. Heck, I'm not even surprised that I’m not surprised anymore.
My GPS and I: A Love-Hate Story
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My GPS and I have this complicated relationship. It constantly says, In 500 feet, turn right, and I’m just sitting there thinking, Not surprised, GPS, not surprised. You’ve been telling me to turn right for the last five miles. Are we on a roundabout or stuck in some eternal right turn loop?
Mondays: The Weekly Surprise Party
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Mondays are supposed to be a fresh start, a new beginning. But let's be real, Mondays are just a surprise party you never wanted to attend. You wake up, and it’s like, Surprise! You thought the weekend was long? Here's a whole week waiting for you! Not surprised, Monday, not surprised.
Cooking Adventures
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I tried following a recipe once. It said, Cook for 20 minutes or until golden brown. Well, 20 minutes later, and my creation was still a shade of beige that can only be described as culinary camouflage. Not surprised, recipe book, not surprised. Next time, I'll just order pizza.
Traffic Tales
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I spend so much time stuck in traffic that I've started naming the pigeons on the power lines. I see them every day, just hanging out, judging us drivers. And when someone cuts me off, the pigeons give me that look like, Not surprised, buddy. It's a jungle out here, and you’re just another confused animal trying to get home.
Captain Obvious Strikes Again
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You ever meet those people who love to state the obvious? Like, Oh, it's raining! No kidding, Captain Obvious, I thought those were flying chocolate chips. But you know what I'm really not surprised about? The fact that Captain Obvious is probably somewhere right now going, Hey, did you guys know the sun is bright?
The Gym Dilemma
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I joined a gym thinking it would be a life-changing experience. Spoiler alert: it wasn't. Now, every time I walk in, the gym equipment just stares at me, unimpressed. And I'm there like, Yeah, yeah, I know. Not surprised that I’d rather be on the couch with a bag of chips. Can we get this workout over with?
Breaking News: Predictable Weather
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Have you noticed how weather forecasts are getting more predictable? It's like, Tomorrow, there's a 100% chance of weather. Thanks for narrowing it down. I was starting to think we might have a day without weather, just to spice things up. But nope, not surprised, just another day with a sky and stuff.
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You ever notice how people say, "I'm not surprised" when they find out you've binge-watched an entire series in one night? It's like they expected you to have a life or something. Well, sorry not sorry, I was busy saving the fictional world from mediocre plotlines!
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You ever notice how whenever someone says "I'm not surprised," it's usually right after something completely shocking happens? Like, "The office coffee tastes like mud today." And I'm thinking, "I'm not surprised, considering it was brewed with yesterday's disappointment!
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Not surprised is my response to the weather lately. One day it's sunny, the next day it's raining cats and dogs. It's like Mother Nature is going through a mood swing, and I'm here just trying to plan my outfits accordingly.
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You know you're an adult when you get excited about a good deal on trash bags. I found this amazing offer, and my friend asked, "Aren't they just bags for garbage?" I said, "Not surprised you don't get it. It's the little things that make life 'bag'tastic!
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Not surprised" is the universal response when you ask someone if they've finished their New Year's resolutions. It's like, "Did you stick to your gym routine?" And they're like, "Not surprised, I'm still working on the 'eating pizza in bed' resolution.
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Whenever someone says, "I'm not surprised," it's like the human version of an eye roll. It's the socially acceptable way of saying, "Really? You're just now figuring that out?" It's the polite clapback.
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You know you're adulting when you get excited about a new sponge for the kitchen. I bought one the other day, and my friend was like, "Really?" I just shrugged and said, "Not surprised. Sponges are the highlight of my week now. It's like a little scrubby superhero for my dishes.
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The phrase "not surprised" is just a polite way of saying, "I saw that disaster coming, but I didn't want to be the one to burst your bubble." It's like the verbal equivalent of a sympathetic head nod.
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Ever notice how people only say "I'm not surprised" when they totally saw it coming? It's never like, "I just won the lottery!" and your friend goes, "I'm not surprised." No, Susan, you're surprised; you're just pretending to be supportive!
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