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You ever notice how morticians are like the unsung heroes of the afterlife? I mean, they deal with people at their absolute worst – literally. They're the ones who have to make Grandma look presentable for that open-casket funeral. I always imagine them standing there, looking at the deceased, and thinking, "Okay, challenge accepted." But you've got to appreciate the creativity of morticians. They can take a person who looked like they just wrestled a lawnmower and turn them into a serene, peaceful sleeper. It's like they have a magic wand that goes, "Bippity Boppity Boo, now you're viewable!"
One thing that always gets me, though, is how morticians manage to keep a straight face. I mean, they're basically the makeup artists for the dead. Can you imagine if they had blooper reels? "Oh, look at that, Larry's eyeliner is a bit smudged. Let's do a retake!"
And let's not forget the pressure they must be under. "Hey, Johnson, the Smiths are coming in at 3 PM, and they want Aunt Mildred to look 20 years younger. Get the anti-aging cream and the Photoshop kit!"
So, here's to the morticians, the real miracle workers. They turn "resting in peace" into a full-blown makeover session.
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I heard about this new comedy club that opened up – run entirely by morticians. Yeah, you heard me right. It's called "The Deadpan Club," and they claim to have the stiffest competition in town. I can just imagine the opening act, a mortician walking up to the mic, saying, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I've had a busy week, but enough about my dating life. Let's talk about rigor mortis. Ever try to tell a dead body a joke? Talk about a tough crowd."
And they have a two-drink minimum, of course. The first one to embalm the most bodies gets a free drink. "Congratulations, Johnson, you've earned yourself a Bloody Mary!"
But hey, it's all in good fun. They even have a karaoke night, where contestants sing songs like "I Will Survive" and "Another One Bites the Dust." Talk about dark humor.
So, if you're ever in the mood for a different kind of comedy experience, check out "The Deadpan Club." It's the only place where the punchlines are as cold as the bodies in the basement.
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I was swiping through Tinder the other day, and I came across a profile that caught me off guard. It said, "John, 35. Mortician by day, eternal love matchmaker by night." Now, call me old-fashioned, but I never thought of a mortician as someone who swipes right for a living. I can just imagine his profile picture – him holding a bouquet of roses next to a beautifully arranged casket.
And what about his bio? "Looking for someone to make my heart race – because let's face it, my job involves the opposite most of the time."
But hey, there's a silver lining. You'd never have to worry about forgetting anniversaries. "Honey, remember that time we met at that funeral? Ah, good times."
I guess dating a mortician would have its perks. Romantic dinners by candlelight, and he'd never complain about the cold feet. Plus, he's probably great at handling relationship issues. "Babe, we've been through tougher situations. Remember that guy who wanted an open casket but had no neck? We can get through anything."
So, here's to the mortician on Tinder, swiping right on love in the afterlife.
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I was thinking about what it must be like to work as a mortician. You know, spending your days in the company of the dearly departed, quietly working your magic. I can't help but wonder, what kind of music do morticians listen to on the job? Do they have a playlist called "Rigor Mortis Beats"? Or maybe "Decomposition Disco"? Picture this – you're working on a body, and suddenly "Stayin' Alive" starts playing in the background. Talk about irony.
And what if they get a difficult case? I can just imagine them putting on Eminem's "Lose Yourself" like, "If you had one shot, one opportunity, to embalm everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture it, or just let it slip?"
But hey, I bet they have some real classics too. Maybe they jam out to "Highway to Hell" when dealing with a particularly challenging client. Or perhaps they opt for something a bit more uplifting, like "I Will Survive."
So, the next time you're at a funeral, and you hear a faint beat in the background, just remember – that mortician is probably grooving to the rhythm of life and death.
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