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You ever notice how people always say, "Don't do drugs"? It's like the most straightforward advice you can get. But you know what they don't tell you? How to say no to drugs politely. I mean, what if someone offers you a joint, and you're there like, "No, thank you, I'm trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle." Suddenly, you're the weird one! I tried it once, and let me tell you, it's like declining a piece of cake at a birthday party. People look at you like you just insulted their grandmother's cooking. So now, I've come up with a strategy. I say, "I'm on a strict 'no hallucinating in public' diet." It works like a charm, and nobody questions it. It's all about being polite, folks.
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People always say, "Don't do drugs," but have you ever tried life? Life is the ultimate trip. I wake up in the morning, and I'm like, "Whoa, I'm alive! This is better than any psychedelic experience." I'm high on oxygen, man, and it's legal. And have you seen the price of drugs these days? I can't afford that kind of lifestyle. I'm on a budget. If I want to hallucinate, I'll just stay up past midnight watching conspiracy theory videos on YouTube. That's a trip without breaking the bank.
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Remember the DARE program in school? They had that lion mascot trying to scare us away from drugs. But I always wondered about that lion. I mean, what's his story? Was he a party animal turned straight-edge or just a failed actor in a mascot costume? I imagine him at home, looking in the mirror, practicing his lines like, "Kids, don't do drugs. I used to be Tigger, but now I'm stuck in this anti-drug suit." Poor guy, he probably had dreams of being Simba, and now he's stuck telling fifth-graders to stay away from the wacky tobaccy.
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They say, "Don't do drugs," and I get it. I mean, have you seen those commercials for medication? The list of side effects is longer than my grocery list. It's like, "This pill will cure your headache, but you might also experience uncontrollable laughter, a sudden desire to break into interpretive dance, and an inexplicable fascination with llamas." I'm thinking, "Is this a medication or a ticket to the circus?" I want my drugs to have side effects like, "May cause extreme productivity and an uncanny ability to fold fitted sheets." That's the kind of drug I can get behind.
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