bestTrending Topics
Joke Types
0
0
You know, I recently went to church for Ash Wednesday, and let me tell you, those Ash Wednesday homilies are like the IKEA instructions of spirituality. You're sitting there, and the priest starts drawing this abstract art on your forehead with ashes, and you're just hoping it's not a preview of what your life is going to look like after 2022. I mean, what is the priest trying to write up there? Is it a secret code? Are we part of some ancient religious graffiti gang now? Because if so, I didn't get the memo, Father John.
And then they hit you with those deep, reflective lines during the homily. They're like, "Remember, from dust you came, and to dust, you shall return." I'm sitting there thinking, "Thanks for the reminder, Father Doom and Gloom. I came here for comfort, not a reality check!"
I tried to make it more upbeat one year. I went up to the priest and said, "Can you draw a smiley face on mine?" He looked at me like I just asked him to do a backflip during communion. I guess spirituality and emojis don't mix.
0
0
During Lent, everyone becomes a seafood connoisseur. Suddenly, people who can't tell the difference between a salmon and a swordfish are acting like they're judging a Michelin-starred chef. "Mmm, yes, the delicate flavors of this tilapia really bring out the penance in my soul." And then there's the struggle of finding good fish options. It's like a seafood scavenger hunt. You go to a restaurant, and suddenly the menu is more limited than my dating options in high school. "Do you have the grilled salmon?" "No, sorry, it's Lent. We only serve fish sticks and fish tacos."
But hey, at least we all become marine biologists during Lent. You walk into a church potluck, and suddenly everyone's a seafood expert. "Oh, you got the mahi-mahi? Very biblical choice, my friend.
0
0
You ever notice how aggressive some people get when they're trying to get that holy water on Ash Wednesday? It's like a Black Friday sale, but instead of discounted TVs, you're fighting for a few drops of water that someone blessed. I saw a grandma throw an elbow last year; I didn't know she had that in her. And then there's the Holy Water sprinkler. That thing has the precision of a malfunctioning lawn sprinkler. You're standing there trying to get a little sprinkle, and suddenly, it's like you walked through a car wash.
I've thought about bringing my own water gun to defend my personal space. Like, "Father, don't make me use this. I'll baptize myself right here in the pew if I have to.
0
0
So, Lent is here, and you know what that means - giving up stuff. People are out here giving up chocolate, coffee, and carbs. I admire the dedication, but let's be real; giving up carbs for 40 days is just setting yourself up for a hunger strike. I tried giving up social media once for Lent. Lasted about two days. My willpower is like a cat trying to resist a laser pointer; it's all over the place. But props to those who can do it. I tried to give up coffee once, and within a week, I was so cranky that my coworkers thought I was auditioning for a role in a horror movie.
And don't even get me started on the people who give up exercising. That's not a Lenten sacrifice; that's just embracing the couch potato lifestyle with a holy excuse. "Yeah, I'm not lazy; I'm just spiritually committed to sitting on this couch and watching Netflix.
Post a Comment