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My buddy with the wooden eye is a philosopher. He says having a wooden eye gives him a unique perspective on life. I asked him what he meant, and he goes, "Well, for one, I never have to worry about losing sight of my goals." And then he drops this gem on me: "I've got a spare in case I turn a blind eye to my problems." I'm thinking, this guy should write a self-help book: "The Splinters of Success." But hey, at least he's got a positive outlook on things. Maybe we should all get wooden eyes and start seeing the world with a fresh perspective. Or at least use them as an excuse for not seeing the mess in our room – "Oh, sorry, I didn't see it, blame the wooden eye!
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I set my friend up on a blind date. Yeah, blind date. Appropriate, right? Anyway, he walks in with his wooden eye, and the poor girl is trying so hard not to stare. I'm watching this, thinking, "How's he gonna break the ice?" So he goes, "I hope you don't mind if I keep an eye on you tonight." Smooth, right? But then he adds, "And don't worry, I won't blink first." Now, that's what I call eye-opening humor. Needless to say, that relationship didn't see the light of day.
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Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you about my friend who's got a wooden eye. Yeah, a wooden eye. I didn't even know that was a thing. I mean, are we in the 18th century or is he auditioning for a pirate movie? I asked him, "Dude, why the wooden eye?" He said, "Well, I wanted to keep an eye on my investments." Now, I don't know about you, but if I had to choose a material for a replacement eye, I'd probably go with something a bit more high-tech, like maybe a laser scanner. Wooden eye? What's next, a stone smartphone? "Yeah, it's the latest in durability, but the apps are a bit slow.
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So, I'm playing poker with my friend with the wooden eye. You know, it's hard enough trying to figure out someone's bluff, but now I've got to decipher the signals from a guy with a wooden eye. Is he winking at me because he's got a great hand, or is it just a splinter in his eye? And the poker face! You can't read anything from a guy with a wooden eye. He could be holding a royal flush, or he could be daydreaming about termites. It's like playing cards with a silent mime who's really into carpentry. "Is this your final answer, or are you just trying to sand your eyeball?
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