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Joke Types
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I'm friends with all electricians. We have such great current connections.
The Power of Things
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My girlfriend told me to do romantic things, so I bought her a power drill. She was like, What's this for? I said, Honey, nothing says love like being able to fix things around the house together. Now, every time we assemble furniture, it's like a romantic comedy. I call it 'Drill and Thrill.
Things I Wish I Knew
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Life advice: Never Google your symptoms. I did it the other day, and suddenly, I had a rare tropical disease. I was convinced I caught it from a mosquito in my backyard. Turns out, it was just a mosquito bite, and the 'tropical disease' was just a bad case of hypochondria. Google, you and your over-the-top search results, always making me think I'm one sneeze away from being patient zero.
Things in the Mirror
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They say objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. Well, apparently, my New Year's resolutions are so close; they're practically sitting in the passenger seat. I looked in the mirror and thought, This is the year I'm going to get in shape. Then I realized my shape is more like a potato than a fitness model. So now, my resolution is to embrace the potato life.
Things on Sale
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I went to a store with a '50% off' sale. I thought I hit the jackpot until I saw the original prices. It's like they mark up the items just to make you feel like you're getting a deal. I bought a shirt that said $100, discounted to $50. I later found the same shirt at another store for $20. So, in reality, I paid a $30 convenience fee for shopping at the wrong place.
Things I Can't Find
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I'm always misplacing my keys. I once spent an hour looking for them, only to discover they were in my hand the whole time. My brain is like a magician, making things disappear and then revealing them when I least expect it. If only my keys could whisper, Psst, we're right here, instead of playing hide and seek.
Things and the Weather
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Weather forecasts are like fortune tellers for the atmosphere. They predict rain, and I carry an umbrella. But then, the only thing pouring is my disappointment when the sun is shining. It's like the weather has commitment issues. Will it rain? Will it be sunny? Make up your mind, weather! You're not auditioning for a reality show.
Things I'm Avoiding
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I tried adulting the other day. I opened a retirement account. The guy at the bank was explaining compound interest, and my brain checked out. I nodded like I understood, but in my mind, I was planning my next nap. Retirement seems so far away, like a distant land of financial responsibility. I'll worry about it later; right now, I'm focused on my retirement from adulting.
Things I Can't Explain
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I was at a family reunion, and my grandma started talking about 'things.' She's like, You know, in my time, we didn't have all these fancy gadgets and gizmos. I asked her, What kind of things are you talking about, Grandma? She looked at her flip phone and said, I still can't figure out how to take a selfie. I just end up with a close-up of my nostrils every time.
The Mystery of Things
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You ever notice how 'things' is the most ambiguous term ever? Like, my friend asked me to bring some things to the party. I showed up with a rubber chicken, a disco ball, and a pineapple. He said, Dude, I meant chips and dip! Well, you should've specified, because in my world, a party without a disco pineapple is just a meeting.
Things Gone Wrong
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I tried assembling IKEA furniture the other day. You know, those instruction manuals that make you feel like you need a degree in ancient hieroglyphics? I'm looking at it, thinking, What kind of sadistic genius came up with this? I ended up with a bookshelf that looks more like modern art. I call it 'The Abstract Abyss of Things.
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