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Why did the zombie take up yoga? To improve his rigor mortis flexibility!
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Why don't zombies ever get into arguments? They're dead set on avoiding confrontation!
Rigor Mortis Fitness Program
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You know you're getting old when your morning exercise routine involves trying to get out of bed without triggering rigor mortis. I call it the Rigor Mortis Fitness Program. It's a real killer workout – literally.
Rigor Mortis Alarm Clock
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Who needs an alarm clock when you've got rigor mortis? The moment I wake up, my body's like, Surprise! You can't move! It's like my own personal wake-up call from the crypt.
Rigor Mortis Yoga
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I tried joining a yoga class to stay flexible, but it turns out my flexibility is now limited to the various positions rigor mortis puts me in. Downward dog? More like Rigor Mortis Rover.
Rigor Mortis Bucket List
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I've got a bucket list for when rigor mortis finally takes its toll. Number one: Have a kick-ass funeral with a dance floor. If I can't dance in life, I'll make sure I'm dancing in death. It's the ultimate way to show rigor mortis who's boss.
Rigor Mortis Party Trick
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I've got a killer party trick. Literally. I can play dead so convincingly that even rigor mortis is impressed. People are like, Is he okay? And I'm just there, frozen in a pose like I'm auditioning for a macabre mannequin challenge.
Rigor Mortis Fashion
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I've embraced rigor mortis as a fashion statement. I call it stiff chic. Catwalk? More like corpse-walk. The runway might as well be a cemetery aisle.
Rigor Mortis Bedtime Stories
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Bedtime stories take a dark turn when you're falling asleep while battling rigor mortis. Once upon a time, there was a prince who couldn't move his limbs. The end. Sweet dreams, kids.
Rigor Mortis Remedies
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I tried looking up remedies for rigor mortis online. The internet suggested yoga, meditation, and herbal teas. So now, every morning, I sip my chamomile tea while attempting a zen pose, hoping it wards off the stiffness. Spoiler alert: It doesn't.
Rigor Mortis Relationships
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Getting into a relationship at my age is like playing a game of Twister with rigor mortis. Left foot blue, right hand stiff as a board – and there goes any chance of a romantic evening.
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