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I've mastered the art of pushup procrastination. I tell myself, "I'll start tomorrow." And tomorrow turns into next week, next month, next year – you get the idea. I'm like the Gandalf of exercise. "You shall not pass... on the opportunity to skip pushups today!" I even bought one of those pushup handles thinking it would motivate me. Now, they just mock me from the corner of my room, silently judging my lack of upper body strength. I'm convinced they're plotting their revenge for abandonment. You know it's bad when your fitness equipment gives you side-eye.
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You ever notice how there are a million different ways to do a pushup? Regular pushups, wide grip, narrow grip, diamond pushups – it's like a buffet of ways to torture yourself. And each variation has its own set of rules. It's like pushups have their own secret society with a handbook that no one bothered to give me. I tried the diamond pushup once. It's supposed to work your triceps more, but I just felt like I was auditioning for a terrible interpretive dance. And then there are clapping pushups – because nothing says fitness like smacking yourself in the face mid-air. I attempted it, and now I have a fear of both heights and my own hands.
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You know, I recently decided to get in shape. I thought, "I'm going to start with something simple, something everyone can do." So, I chose pushups. Now, pushups are like the kale of the exercise world. Everyone pretends to love them, but deep down, we all know they're a form of torture. I start my first pushup, and it feels like I'm trying to lift the entire Earth off my chest. I'm struggling, sweating, and my arms are shaking like they're auditioning for a role in a horror movie. And then, just when I think I've conquered gravity, I look over and see my cat doing the feline version of a pushup, and I'm like, "Come on, even Fluffy's got this figured out!
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You know, there's always that one fitness freak in the group who's like, "Come on, guys, let's do some pushups together!" And suddenly, you find yourself on the floor, questioning all your life choices. It's like pushup peer pressure. They make it sound so casual, like we're just going to casually drop and give them 20. But here's the thing – I have trust issues with the ground. I mean, it's always there, but it's never where you expect it to be. You'd think after all these years, the ground and I would have a better relationship, but nope, it still surprises me every time.
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