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You know, I recently went to the optician, and I must say, it's like being interrogated by someone who's obsessed with your eyes. They're looking at you through those crazy magnifying glasses, asking you if "1 or 2" is better, like they're trying to decode some secret eye message. I mean, what's with the choices? Is it just me, or do the options keep getting blurrier every time? "Is it clearer with 1 or 2?" I'm sitting there thinking, "How about option 'C'? Can I get a 'C' for 'Can't Decide'?"
And then they flip those lenses so fast, it's like an eye-exam version of speed dating. "Do you see yourself with option 1 or option 2?" I'm like, "I see myself in bed right now. Can we wrap this up?
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Can we talk about that dreaded puff of air test? You know the one where they shoot a gust of wind into your eye without warning? I always feel like I'm on some hidden camera show. "Congratulations, you've just been pranked by the optometry association!" And then they say, "Don't blink!" Oh sure, easy for you to say when you're not getting your corneas windblown. I'm sitting there, trying not to blink, feeling like I'm in a staring contest with a tornado.
I bet they have bets in the back, like, "I bet I can make this guy blink in three seconds flat." It's the only test where you're rewarded for not flinching. "Congratulations, you win...dry eyes and a mild sense of regret.
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I swear, opticians are the masters of small talk. They try to distract you from the fact that you're struggling to read the bottom line on the eye chart by asking about your life. "So, any exciting plans for the weekend?" I'm like, "Yeah, finding my glasses after taking them off to clean them." And they have this weird way of making you feel guilty if you're not perfect. "You're squinting a bit. Have you been staring at screens too much?" I'm like, "Yes, I have a job, Karen. Some of us can't spend our entire day staring into the distance pondering the mysteries of the universe.
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You ever notice how when you're picking out new glasses, suddenly everyone has an opinion? It's like a family meeting, but for your face. "Oh, those are too round." "No, those are too square." "Are you trying to look like a secret agent or a librarian?" And let's talk about those frames. The optician hands you the mirror, and you're supposed to have this magical moment where you see yourself transformed. But half the time, you're just thinking, "Am I trying to be fashionable or am I auditioning for a role in Harry Potter?"
And then they hit you with, "Do you want the anti-glare coating?" I'm like, "Yes, please, I'd like my glasses to be more anti-glare than my personality.
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