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Frodo's GPS Voice
Navigating through Mordor
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Frodo tried to argue with my directions. I said, "Look, I've been guiding people through Mordor for centuries. You're not the first, and you won't be the last. But seriously, turn left at the fiery pit. You can't miss it!
Orc's Career Counselor
Job satisfaction in Mordor
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Orcs get mandatory team-building exercises. But instead of trust falls, they do "leap into the lava and hope for the best" drills. Morale's never been higher—mostly because the ones with low morale don't make it to the next team-building session.
Ringwraith's Fashion Consultant
Dressing for success in Mordor
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I tried to convince a Ringwraith to smile more. He said, "I can't. My face is stuck like this." I told him, "If you had dental, maybe your face wouldn't be stuck in a perpetual scream.
Gollum's Therapist
Coping with the One Ring obsession
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I suggested Gollum try online dating to find a new obsession. He said, "Nah, last time I tried that, the profile said 'likes long walks, hates sunlight.' I ended up on a date with a vampire.
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