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Have you ever noticed how in ninja movies, the ninjas are always sneaking around in broad daylight, dressed head to toe in black? Like, I appreciate the stealthy vibe, but I'm pretty sure a guy doing cartwheels on my front lawn would raise some eyebrows. I tried to be a ninja once. I put on the whole ninja getup, tried to sneak into my own kitchen for a midnight snack. My cat saw me and gave me that look like, "Really, human?" I'm thinking, if my cat can see me, maybe I'm not cut out for the covert ops lifestyle.
And throwing stars? I bought some online, thinking I'd be all cool like the ninjas in the movies. Turns out, they're just pointy pieces of metal that make a loud clanging noise when you accidentally drop them on your kitchen floor. My neighbors probably thought I was assembling IKEA furniture at 3 AM.
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You ever notice how martial arts movies always have these intense training sequences where the hero is doing these insane moves, breaking boards and bricks with their bare hands? I tried that once. Bought a karate DVD online, popped it in, and thought, "I can do this." So, there I am in my living room, attempting to break a board. I wind up, give it my best shot, and... the board doesn't budge. My hand, however, feels like it just got in a fight with a brick wall. I think martial arts might be more about pain tolerance than anything else. I mean, they never show you the behind-the-scenes footage of actors nursing their sore knuckles with ice packs.
And don't get me started on the martial arts uniforms. They're like pajamas, but with a black belt. I don't know about you, but if I could wear pajamas everywhere and still be considered a highly skilled individual, sign me up. I want a "Master of Netflix and Chill" belt.
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I love martial arts movies, but let's talk about the logic for a moment. The hero can take on 50 bad guys and come out without a scratch, but as soon as the villain does a single roundhouse kick, suddenly it's an existential crisis. Like, where were your super moves a minute ago? And they always have this intense training montage where the hero goes from novice to expert in the span of a catchy '80s song. I tried that once at the gym. I played "Eye of the Tiger" on repeat for an hour, and all I got was a cramp and weird looks from the gym staff.
But hey, maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe if I start wearing a headband and dramatically pose on top of mountains, my life will magically transform into an action movie. Or, more likely, I'll just get kicked out of the gym for disturbing the peace.
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I joined a karate class once because I thought it would be a great way to get fit and learn self-defense. Little did I know, it's also an excellent way to get confused. They start throwing around terms like "katas" and "sensei," and I'm just standing there trying not to accidentally punch myself in the face. And what's the deal with bowing? Every time I turned around, I had to bow to someone. I felt like a human bobblehead.
I once forgot to bow and the whole class stopped and stared at me. I didn't know if I was in a karate class or auditioning for a remake of "The Karate Kid." Either way, I was definitely not getting the part.
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