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Kleptomaniacs must hate technology. I mean, they used to be able to steal office supplies, and no one would notice. Now they're trying to figure out how to swipe a computer mouse without setting off an alarm. "Siri, how do I steal a stapler without getting caught?" I can just imagine the GPS on their phone going crazy every time they walk past an Apple Store. And what about online shopping? Kleptomaniac hackers must be a thing. They're sitting there thinking, "I could buy this, but wouldn't it be more fun to see if I can just make it appear on my doorstep?
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I was reading about kleptomaniacs, and apparently, they don't even do it for the value of what they steal. It's all about the adrenaline rush. It's like they're playing life on hard mode. Meanwhile, I'm here struggling to return a shopping cart to its designated spot because I'm afraid the grocery store police are going to tackle me. I bet if kleptomaniacs had support groups, they'd be like, "Hi, my name is Dave, and I stole a traffic cone yesterday." And everyone would clap because it's a step in the right direction. Then there's that one guy in the group who's like, "Hi, I'm Mike, and I stole a police car." And everyone's just staring at him like, "Mike, you might need a different kind of support group.
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I bet kleptomaniacs have the most eclectic wardrobe. They walk into a store, and it's not about what they need; it's about what they can sneak out. "Oh, this neon green feather boa would look great with my collection of stolen traffic cones!" And imagine their fashion shows. The model struts down the runway wearing a stolen stop sign as a hat, a caution tape sash, and carrying a purse made entirely of stolen hotel room keys. I'd watch that fashion show just to see the security guards chasing after the models.
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You ever hear about kleptomaniacs? Those are the folks who steal things just for the thrill of it. I'm not saying it's right, but I do wonder, do they ever accidentally steal something and then get home and find it in their pocket like, "Oh great, I've got someone else's grocery list now. What am I supposed to do with this, steal their shopping too?" And you've got to be careful with kleptomaniacs around the holidays. They're like, "Oh, look at all these beautifully wrapped presents! It would be a shame if someone were to... 'relocate' them." I can imagine them at Christmas parties, just casually sipping eggnog and rearranging the gift piles. "Oh, this one looks better over here!
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