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So, I was reading about this guy who tried to be a kidnapper but failed miserably. He picked the wrong van, and it was actually an undercover cop convention. Talk about bad luck! The cops are all in the van like, "Freeze! Drop the duct tape and step away from the ransom note!" And the guy's like, "Wait, is this not the kidnapping seminar?"
Imagine being the cop who goes home that day. "Honey, you won't believe what happened at work. We arrested a kidnapper who thought we were his support group!
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You ever hear about kidnappers? Yeah, apparently, they have like this support group called Kidnappers Anonymous. Can you imagine that? Like, "Hi, I'm Dave, and I used to kidnap people." And everyone else just nods like, "Hi, Dave." It's like an evil version of Alcoholics Anonymous. I picture them sitting in a circle, sharing kidnapping stories. "Last week, I accidentally grabbed the wrong guy. Turns out, he was an Uber driver. Awkward, right?" And another guy's like, "I kidnapped someone, and they just kept talking about their cats. I couldn't take it anymore, so I dropped them back."
I mean, can you imagine the awkward icebreakers they must do? "Tell us your most memorable kidnapping experience." It's like team-building exercises for criminals.
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You know kidnappers are getting lazy when they start kidnapping people by mistake. "Hey, let's grab that guy. He looks rich." Turns out it's just a college student buried in student loans. The kidnapper's like, "Well, this is embarrassing. Want a ride home?" And they use ride-sharing apps now, it's like, "Kidnapping as a Service." You request a kidnapping, and someone shows up with a ski mask and a getaway car. "Your ride will arrive in 5 minutes. Please be ready to be blindfolded."
I can just imagine the kidnapper leaving a review for their victim: "Five stars for cooperation, but seriously, work on your small talk. I was expecting better banter during the ransom negotiation.
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I heard they're organizing a Kidnapper Job Fair. Yeah, apparently, they have a booth next to the fast-food chains. Can you picture that? "Want fries with that? Or perhaps a side of ransom demands?" And they have brochures like, "Why Kidnapping Could Be Your Dream Career." Benefits include a flexible work schedule and the chance to wear disguises. Plus, they have a mascot named Snatch the Kidnapping Turtle. Okay, I made that last part up, but wouldn't that be bizarre?
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