17 Jokes For Hire Hitman

Puns

Updated on: May 10 2025

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I asked the hitman for career advice. He told me to aim high and shoot for the stars.
I hired a hitman to fix my car. Now it runs smoothly, but I'm afraid to ask how he did it.
Why did the hitman apply for a job at the bakery? He wanted to knead dough, not people!
Why did the hitman break up with his GPS? It kept giving him directions to 'dead ends.
I told the hitman to make my ex disappear. He sent her to a magic show. Now I can't get rid of her!
I hired a hitman to fix my broken piano. Now it just plays sharp notes.
I hired a hitman to clean my room. Now there's just a big mess and a missing vacuum.

Hired Help

You know, I was going through my to-do list the other day, and I saw this note that said hire hitman. I thought, Well, that's a bit extreme, but I guess we all have those days when the barista messes up our coffee order, right?

Hitman for Hire, Discount Included

I did find this website that claims to offer hitman services at a discount. I thought, Wow, they're like the Groupon of the underworld. But then I realized the discount was only applicable if I referred a friend. I'm not sure I want to be part of that referral program.

Hitman's Dilemma

I was thinking about the ethical dilemmas a hitman might face. Like, what if they're about to take out a target but then realize they have the wrong person? Awkward!

Hitman Therapy

I bet hitmen need therapy. My client asked for a silent, quick death, but I just couldn't resist doing a dramatic monologue. Now they want a refund.

Hitman Job Interview

I imagined what a job interview for a hitman would be like. So, what are your strengths? Well, I'm really good at keeping secrets, and I have excellent aim in video games.

Hitman Hobbies

I bet hitmen have some interesting hobbies. Maybe they're into scrapbooking or baking. Imagine being the deadliest assassin by day and a contestant on The Great British Bake Off by night. This week, our hitman is attempting a killer soufflé.

Hitman Reviews Online

I started reading reviews for hitmen online. It's crazy; people leave Yelp reviews for everything nowadays. Five stars for punctuality, but deducted one because he forgot to bring his own weapon. Would hire again!

Hitman on Social Media

I heard that hitmen are getting with the times and using social media to find clients. Can you imagine a hitman posting on Instagram? Just took care of business in style – #AssassinationChic #TargetEliminated.

Hitman Job Perks

I wonder if hitmen have any job perks. Like, do they get a bonus for every successful hit? Congratulations, you've reached your tenth target. Here's a gift card for a spa day – because even assassins need a day off.

My DIY Hitman Kit

I decided to look into it, and it turns out hiring a hitman is quite expensive. So instead, I went to IKEA and bought a DIY hitman kit. I'm telling you, assembling that guy was more challenging than any relationship I've ever had.

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