19 Graduation Speech Jokes

Puns

Updated on: Dec 10 2024

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Why did the math book look sad at the graduation? Too many problems.
Why did the graduate bring a ladder to the graduation ceremony? Because they wanted to reach new heights!
Why did the diploma go to therapy? It had too many issues with its past!
Why did the graduate go to therapy? Too many issues with commitment – always throwing their cap and running!
Why did the scarecrow get an honorary degree? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why did the pencil get an award at the graduation ceremony? It had a point!
What did the tassel say to the hat? 'You stay up there; I'll hang around for a bit.
Why did the tomato turn red during the graduation ceremony? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the computer graduate? It passed all its exams with flying colors!

The Unofficial Graduation Survival Guide

Ladies and gentlemen, they asked me to give a graduation speech. I said, Sure, because nothing says 'ready for the real world' like taking advice from a guy whose only plan after this is to binge-watch cat videos for a week.

Majoring in Awkward Conversations

They say college helps you develop essential life skills. Like the ability to have a conversation with someone you don't know, in a room full of people you don't like, while pretending you've got it all together. It's called Advanced Awkwardness 101.

Diploma: The Expensive Piece of Paper

I've got a diploma now, which is essentially an expensive piece of paper that says, Congratulations! You can now spend the next 30 years paying off this piece of paper.

The Commencement of Adulting

They call it a commencement ceremony because it's the commencement of adulthood. And by adulthood, I mean the time when you realize your parents were right about everything, and you wish you had paid more attention when they were giving you advice.

Congratulations, You Can Now Google Everything

I just graduated, which means I've officially spent four years memorizing things I could have Googled in five minutes. So, my advice to the graduates: keep your diploma safe, but keep your Wi-Fi password safer.

Cap and Gown, or Pajamas and Netflix?

Wearing this cap and gown makes me feel like a wizard about to cast a spell. And the spell is called Summon a Job That Pays Well Without Any Effort. Spoiler alert: it's not very effective.

Graduating with Honors in Student Loans

I graduated with honors, you know. Honors in student loans, that is. I'm so honored to be in debt that even my wallet has started crying every time I open it.

The Real Graduation MVP: Instant Noodles

You know who the real MVP of my college life is? Instant noodles. They've been with me through thick and thin – mostly thin, as in my wallet. So here's to instant noodles, the unsung heroes of my academic journey.

The Graduation Diet Plan

I've been on the graduation diet plan for the past four years. It's simple: stress, caffeine, and the occasional ramen noodle. I call it the Starve Student diet. Spoiler: the only thing I've gained is debt.

Degrees in Procrastination

You know, they say graduation is the beginning of a new chapter. Well, if that's true, my new chapter is probably going to start with a title like How to Master the Art of Napping Without Getting Caught.

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