17 Patients In Hospitals Jokes

Puns

Updated on: Jul 08 2025

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What's a doctor's favorite tree? The stethoscope!
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? A URLologist!
What's a nurse's favorite type of humor? Bedpan comedy!
Why did the patient bring a ladder to the hospital? Because he wanted to see the top floor!
What do you call a group of musical patients? The band-aids!
What's a hospital's favorite game? Operation!
What's a doctor's favorite type of party? A surgical strike!

Patients in Hospitals

You know you're spending too much time in hospitals when the receptionist starts greeting you by name. I walked in, and she said, Oh, Mr. Hilarious is back! I think they're just happy to have someone whose heart rate increases for reasons other than panic.

Patients in Hospitals

Ever notice how hospital beds are both the most uncomfortable and the most comfortable places on Earth? It's like they designed them to be a paradox. You sink into the mattress thinking, Ah, this is heavenly, and then five minutes later, you're adjusting yourself, trying to find a position that doesn't make you feel like a pretzel.

Patients in Hospitals

Being in a hospital is like being in a hotel, except the room service is a bit more aggressive. Last night, a nurse came in and said, It's time for your medication. I thought, Great, I ordered the aspirin with a side of 'please don't let me see the bill.'

Patients in Hospitals

You know you're in a hospital when even the bedpans are getting more attention than you. I mean, they have wheels! I tried rolling myself out of there, but the nurse caught me and said, Sir, the only thing we're wheeling out today is your dignity.

Patients in Hospitals

Hospitals have this incredible ability to turn every sneeze into a potential international crisis. You let out a tiny cough, and suddenly the whole medical team rushes in like it's a code red. I just wanted to say, Relax, folks, it's allergies, not the zombie apocalypse.

Patients in Hospitals

Have you noticed how hospital gowns are basically fashion statements for the backside? I walked into the ward, and everyone was admiring my latest designer look called Exposing Elegance. I'm telling you, Paris Fashion Week has nothing on the ER runway.

Patients in Hospitals

The waiting room in hospitals is a magical place where time stands still. I sat there for so long; I started to believe I was in a parallel universe. I asked the receptionist, Is there a time dilation field in here? She replied, No, just a really slow Wi-Fi. I think I aged a year waiting for my turn.

Patients in Hospitals

Hospitals are the only place where it's perfectly acceptable to wear socks with traction. I've been sliding down those shiny corridors like a penguin on ice. If they're trying to make patients feel at home, they should throw in a few banana peels for good measure.

Patients in Hospitals

The hospital has a strict no self-diagnosis policy. I tried telling the doctor my symptoms, and he said, Let's leave the diagnosing to the professionals. I thought, Well, if I could afford professionals, I wouldn't be here Googling 'why does my elbow make that weird noise.'

Patients in Hospitals

The food in hospitals is like a mystery box challenge from a cooking show. I asked the nurse what was on the menu, and she said, Well, it's a surprise. Let me tell you, if the surprise is anything like yesterday's mystery meatloaf, I'm considering checking out early.

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Jul 08 2025

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