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You ever notice how fancy restaurants give you menus that are like secret codes? I mean, I need a decoder ring just to figure out what I'm ordering. It's like a culinary maze, and I'm just hoping I don't end up in the appetizer labyrinth. And what's the deal with the names they give these dishes? I feel like I need a pronunciation guide just to order without sounding like a complete idiot. "Yes, I'll have the quinoa-stuffed calamari, please, and a side of linguistic therapy."
I went to a place the other day, and the menu was so confusing, I just closed my eyes and pointed at something. Turned out I ordered a $50 salad. Yeah, apparently, it had "artisanal" lettuce. I didn't even know lettuce could go to art school!
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Menus these days are like novels for hungry people. You sit down, and instead of a simple list of dishes, you get this epic saga of culinary creations. It's like "War and Peace," but with more garlic. I went to a restaurant, and the menu was so extensive; I thought I was ordering my last meal. I asked the waiter, "Is there a Cliff's Notes version of this menu?" He just chuckled and said, "Sir, this
is
the abridged version."
And don't get me started on the tiny font. I need a magnifying glass to read these things. By the time I figure out what I want, my hunger has already written its own tragic novel, "The Starvation Games.
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Have you ever noticed that some menus don't have prices listed? It's like playing a game of financial hide and seek. You order something, and when the bill comes, it's like, "Surprise! Your steak was actually a down payment on a yacht." I went to this place, and the menu had no prices. I felt like I was in a high-stakes poker game with my stomach as collateral. I asked the waiter, "What's the market value of these truffle-infused mashed potatoes?" He just winked and said, "If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
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Menus are like thesauruses these days. They take simple words and give them a makeover, turning "fried chicken" into "crispy fowl medley." I ordered a burger once, and it came with a title: "The Gastronomic Symphony of Angus Bliss." And what's with the obsession with exotic ingredients? I saw a menu that listed "arugula" as if it were a rare gem found only in the deepest corners of the Amazon rainforest. I half-expected the waiter to say, "Our arugula was handpicked by mystical unicorns under a full moon.
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