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The mafia is all about respect, right? Well, I tried applying that in my office. Walked in one day like, "Hey, I'm the Don of the Copy Machine. Show some respect, or you might find a paper horse head in your inbox." Turns out, office supplies aren't as intimidating as I thought.
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You know, I was thinking about the mafia the other day. Do you ever notice how they always have these secret meetings in dark, smoky rooms? I mean, if they really wanted to keep things under wraps, maybe they should consider a well-lit Starbucks instead. "I'll take a Venti Latte and a side of hush-hush criminal activities, please.
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I was thinking about the mafia's love for family the other day. It's like, they're all about loyalty and blood ties. Meanwhile, my cousin still owes me 20 bucks, and I can't get him to answer my calls. "Hey, Tony, can you have a chat with my cousin Vinny? He's breaking the family bond over a few dollars.
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The mafia and I have something in common – we both hate snitches. They might break kneecaps, and I just passive-aggressively unfollow people on social media. "Oh, you spilled the beans about the surprise party? Enjoy being cut off from my Facebook updates, Karen.
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Have you ever noticed how in mafia movies, they always have these elaborate nicknames? "Johnny 'Two-Times,' Tommy 'The Toe.' I'm just waiting for someone like 'Bob the Accountant' or 'Sally the HR Specialist.' Maybe they'd negotiate peace settlements over a spreadsheet.
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You ever notice how mafia bosses always wear those fancy suits? I can barely get my dog to sit still long enough for me to tie my shoes, and these guys are rocking three-piece suits like it's no big deal. "I'm lucky if I leave the house without toothpaste on my shirt.
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You ever notice how in mafia movies, they always have these dramatic sit-downs where they negotiate deals? I tried that with my cable provider when they raised my bill. Spoiler alert: they weren't as impressed with my negotiation skills. "Okay, but can I at least get a free HBO trial?
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The mafia has this code of silence, right? Well, I tried that with my wife after I forgot our anniversary. Let me tell you, it's not as effective. "Honey, why are you giving me the silent treatment?" "I'm just practicing omertà, dear.
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The mafia is like the original LinkedIn. You've got your boss, your underboss, your consigliere – it's basically a business networking event with more pasta and fewer PowerPoint presentations. "Welcome to the Family, where connections are made and kneecaps are occasionally broken.
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I was watching a mafia documentary the other day, and they were talking about loyalty. It's like, if my friends were as loyal as these guys, I wouldn't have to bribe them with pizza to help me move furniture. "Remember, Vinny, you move the couch, you get the extra cheese.
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