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The moment you announce you're pregnant, everyone suddenly has a horror story about childbirth. "Oh, let me tell you about my cousin's neighbor's friend who gave birth in an elevator during a thunderstorm." Thanks for the nightmares, folks. I just wanted a cute baby shower, not a Stephen King novel.
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Being pregnant is like having a backstage pass to the human body concert. I never knew I could feel so many kicks and flips inside me. It's like my baby is auditioning for a dance competition while I'm just trying to get a good night's sleep. Can we tone down the acrobatics, please?
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You know, they say pregnancy is a beautiful and miraculous experience. But let me tell you, the most miraculous part is how quickly people forget you have a name. Now, I'm just "the pregnant one" everywhere I go. I should have worn a name tag that says, "Yes, I'm expecting, but I also have a personality!
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Pregnancy brain is a real thing. I used to have a photographic memory; now it's more like a Polaroid that's been left out in the sun too long. I once spent an hour looking for my phone while talking on it. Who needs a GPS when your brain is on its own unique journey?
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They say laughter is the best medicine, but have they tried it during labor? I'm considering bringing a stand-up comedian to the delivery room. Maybe the contractions will be too busy laughing to notice, and the baby will slide out with a punchline. "Knock, knock, baby's here!
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Pregnancy cravings are a real thing, right? I sent my husband to the store at 2 a.m. for pickles and ice cream. He came back with regular pickles and vanilla ice cream. I guess my pregnancy cravings are too classy for him. Next time, I'll ask for caviar and truffle-infused gelato.
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You know you're pregnant when tying your shoes becomes an Olympic event. I used to effortlessly bend over, but now it's like attempting a yoga pose that wasn't approved by my OB-GYN. I'm considering investing in slip-on shoes exclusively. Who needs laces anyway?
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Pregnancy advice is everywhere. Everyone's an expert. "Don't eat this, do eat that." It's like I joined a secret society with a hidden manual. I should start responding with, "Thanks, but I've got this. My body's been hosting a human rent-free for months now, I think I know what I'm doing.
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I've realized that being pregnant is like having a personal heatwave. I used to be that person who enjoyed a cozy blanket in the winter, but now I'm the one opening windows in the middle of a snowstorm. Forget about a bun in the oven; I'm the oven!
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People love giving unsolicited advice during pregnancy. "Sleep now because you won't sleep later." Yeah, right. It's not like my bladder has turned into a diva demanding hourly bathroom breaks. If only they could prescribe a pregnancy version of a snooze button for the next nine months.
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