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Have you ever tried to decipher a doctor's handwriting on a get-well card? It's like solving a medical-themed cryptic crossword puzzle. "Is that a prescription for healing or just a doodle of a happy pill?
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I received a "Good Luck" card recently, and all it had inside was a four-leaf clover. Real subtle, Hallmark. Now I feel like I need to carry this thing around for luck. Hope I don't accidentally sit on it.
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I'm convinced that half the people buying "Thank You" cards are just grateful they don't have to come up with a heartfelt message on their own. "Thanks for the gift. Your card says it all. Literally.
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Valentine's Day cards are the worst. They're either overly sentimental or painfully cheesy. "You're the peanut butter to my jelly." Really? I thought we were going for something romantic, not a sandwich order.
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Have you ever given someone a blank card and just said, "I wanted you to fill it with your own emotions"? Yeah, that's code for "I forgot to buy a card, and I'm hoping your imagination is top-notch.
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You ever notice how every wedding card has a generic couple on it? It's like they went to the stock photo bank and said, "Give us the most average, nondescript duo you've got. We want everyone to relate to this.
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I love how we spend hours picking the perfect card, as if the person receiving it will carefully analyze our choice. "Oh, Sarah got me a card with a dancing cat on it. Clearly, she knows me better than anyone." No, Sarah just spent 20 minutes in the card aisle panicking because the cashier was judging her.
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You ever notice how birthday cards always try to make you feel younger? "Happy Birthday! You're not getting older, you're just getting more experienced." Yeah, because I really needed a card to remind me that I'm a walking encyclopedia of life mistakes.
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Sympathy cards are tricky. They try to comfort you during tough times, but do they really have to feature serene landscapes and flowers? "Sorry for your loss, here's a beautiful sunset." Yeah, because nothing says 'I'm here for you' like a postcard from paradise.
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