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You know, people talk about drug addicts like they're the only ones with a problem. Have you seen those fitness fanatics? They're addicted to the gym. They post pictures of their protein shakes and flex their muscles like they're auditioning for a Marvel movie. I'm over here addicted to my couch. I can't even lift the remote sometimes. I'm like, "Yeah, I did my reps. Flipping through channels is a workout, right?" I say we start a support group: Gymaholics Anonymous and Couch Potatoes United. We'll meet in the middle—on a moderately comfortable couch at the gym.
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You ever go to the drugstore and try to buy allergy medicine? It's like you're auditioning for a role in a pharmaceutical drama. You stand there, staring at the shelves, trying to figure out if you need the one that promises 24-hour relief, non-drowsy, or the extra-strength version. And then there's that tiny fine print that says, "Consult your doctor if you have a history of heart problems." Really? I just wanted to stop sneezing, not schedule an appointment with my cardiologist. If sneezing is a heart risk, I'm in serious trouble. Maybe I should just stick to tissues and hope for the best.
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You ever notice how the term "drug addicts" is thrown around like it's a unique thing? I mean, really, we're all addicted to something. Some people are addicted to caffeine, can't function without their morning coffee. Others are addicted to social media; they're scrolling through their feeds like it's a full-time job. But drug addicts, they get a bad rap. I think we need to level the playing field. Next time someone judges a drug addict, I'm going to be like, "Hey, Karen, how many cups of coffee did you have today? Yeah, that's what I thought. We're all just a different kind of messed up.
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Have you ever listened to those prescription drug commercials? They spend half the time telling you what the medicine does and the other half warning you about side effects. It's like, "This pill will cure your headaches, but you might experience spontaneous tap dancing, a sudden obsession with llamas, and the ability to speak fluent Mandarin." I'm waiting for the day they just get real about it. "Our new medication may cause drowsiness, dry mouth, and the overwhelming desire to binge-watch cat videos. But hey, at least your headaches will be gone, right?
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