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I'm on this new diet called the Death Threat Diet. It's fantastic. Every time I get a death threat, I lose my appetite. Who needs portion control and kale smoothies when you have the fear of impending doom? But seriously, I'm getting creative with it. I've turned my death threats into positive affirmations. "You'll regret this!" becomes "You'll excel at life!" It's like my own personal life coach, reminding me to live every day like it's my last, but without the carbs.
And you know what's great about this diet? No calorie counting. Who cares about calories when you're counting the days until your demise? So, if anyone out there is struggling with their weight, just wait for a death threat to roll in. It's the ultimate appetite suppressant.
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I got a death threat, and I thought, "Wow, that's commitment!" But then I read the fine print, and it said, "DIY." Do It Yourself? Really? I'm supposed to be scared of a threat that comes with an instruction manual? I mean, imagine going to the hardware store for your hitman supplies. "Yeah, I need a roll of duct tape, a shovel, and, oh, do you have any cyanide in aisle seven?" It's like planning a sinister Pinterest project.
And you know, it got me thinking, maybe I'll start a YouTube channel: "DIY Threats with Dave." Step one, sharpen your knives; step two, practice your evil laugh. Safety first, folks, safety first. Because nothing says "I mean business" like a well-organized hit.
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You know, I got a death threat the other day. Yeah, I know, sounds like a real hoot, doesn't it? I mean, who sends a death threat in 2023? I thought we were all supposed to be enlightened and sending each other motivational quotes on social media. Instead, I get a message that says, "I will find you, and I will... well, you get the idea." Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but if you're going to threaten my life, at least use spell check. I mean, if you're going to end me, do it with proper grammar and punctuation. It's the least you can do, really. I want to be killed by someone who pays attention to detail.
And here's the kicker - I'm not even sure what I did to deserve a death threat. Maybe it was my last Netflix special; someone really hated my take on pineapple pizza. You know, I always knew that debate could get heated, but death threats? Really? If that's the case, I'm just glad I didn't share my thoughts on whether to put ketchup on hot dogs.
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So, I'm at home, minding my own business, and I get this email with the subject line "Death Threat." I think, "Oh great, spam again." But curiosity gets the best of me, and I open it. Inside, it says, "You're marked for death. Watch your back." Now, call me old-fashioned, but I miss the days when we had proper RSVP etiquette. I mean, if you're going to threaten me, at least give me a heads up. Maybe a little "Save the Date" card. I've got plans, you know? I can't just drop everything for an unexpected demise.
And what's with the casual tone? "Watch your back"? That's it? No "Sincerely," no "Best regards"? I'm starting to think my would-be assassin is just socially awkward. Maybe they need a friend more than I need a bodyguard.
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