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You ever get one of those letters that starts with "Dear John"? Yeah, I got one of those recently. I thought it was from my ex, you know, with some heartfelt confession or maybe an apology. Turns out, it was from my ghostwriter. Yeah, apparently, even my comedy has a ghostwriter now. I didn't know whether to be offended or flattered. I mean, am I really that bad at being me? Seems like my ghostwriter wanted to give me some material about love and heartbreak. I thought, "Sure, I can work with that." But then I realized, this guy has probably never been in love. He's a ghostwriter for a reason - probably died alone with a pen in his hand. So now, I'm on stage, trying to deliver punchlines about relationships that I didn't even write. It's like I'm in a sitcom, and I'm the only one who doesn't have the script.
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So, I decided to write a "Dear John" letter back to my ghostwriter. I thought it would be poetic, you know, returning the favor. I told him, "Dear John, it's not you, it's me. I need space to be the comedian I was born to be, without the ghost of your jokes haunting me. It's over, John. It's over like a bad set at an open mic." But then I got worried. What if he takes it seriously and starts haunting me for real? Like, what if I wake up in the middle of the night, and there's this ghostly figure at the foot of my bed, holding a pen and a notepad, asking, "Got any new material?" That's not the kind of ghostwriter I signed up for.
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I fired my ghostwriter, and now I think he's haunting me. I keep hearing strange noises in the middle of the night, like ghostly laughter and the sound of a pen scribbling on paper. I'm starting to think I made a huge mistake. Maybe I should've given him a severance package or at least a decent Yelp review. Now, every time I bomb on stage, I can almost hear his ghostly voice saying, "I could've written a better punchline." It's like I've got a comedy critic from beyond the grave. I guess I should've been careful what I wished for – now I've got a ghostwriter who's ghostwriting my demise.
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I asked my ghostwriter for some fresh, original jokes, you know, something that no one has heard before. And what does he give me? Knock-knock jokes. Really? Knock-knock jokes? I felt like I was in a time machine, going back to when I was 8 years old. I told him, "I want cutting-edge comedy," and he gives me knock-knock jokes. I might as well start my set with, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Now I'm stuck in this awkward position where I have to decide if I want to use the knock-knock jokes and risk losing my audience or fire my ghostwriter and risk being haunted. It's a lose-lose situation. I guess I'll just have to knock on wood and hope for the best.
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