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You know, Alexander the Great conquered nations, but I conquered the couch last weekend. Yeah, I had big plans to be productive, but then that couch just looked so inviting. It whispered sweet nothings like, "Why conquer the world when you can conquer a season of your favorite show?" I tell you, the only thing I conquered that day was the art of binge-watching. Alexander the Great had nothing on me when it comes to marathon sessions. I mean, his empire lasted for centuries; my couch conquest lasted for about 12 hours.
And don't get me started on the battle with the potato chips. That was an epic struggle, let me tell you. I emerged victorious, though. Alexander the Great would be proud... or maybe slightly disappointed.
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You know, I recently read about Alexander the Great. Yeah, the guy who conquered half the known world. I mean, who does that? I can't even conquer my fear of spiders, and this guy is out here taking over countries like they're going out of style. I imagine him back in the day, sitting with his advisors. "So, Alexander, what's the plan?" And he's just like, "Oh, you know, the usual. Conquer a few nations before brunch, maybe build an empire before tea time."
And then there's me, struggling to conquer my snooze button every morning. I feel like if Alexander were here today, he'd look at my to-do list and be like, "Is that it? Where's the conquering part?"
I mean, seriously, I can barely conquer a bag of chips without feeling guilty. Alexander conquered empires; I conquered the art of ordering takeout. It's practically the same thing, right?
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So, I'm thinking about this name "Alexander." It's such a powerful name, right? I mean, there's Alexander the Great, and then there's me, Alexander the Mediocre. I bet there's pressure having a name like that. Like, if your name is Alexander, you can't just have a regular day. You have to conquer something every day. If you're not conquering, you're disappointing the legacy of your name.
I'm here thinking, "What if Alexander the Great was just having a really off day? Like, maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the chariot, spilled his coffee, and decided, 'You know what? Today, I'm just Alexander the Alright. Not feeling the 'Great' vibe.'"
And then there's me, Alexander the Mediocre, waking up and thinking, "Today, I'm conquering the remote control. Tomorrow, who knows? Maybe the laundry.
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You ever notice how every great historical figure has this epic name? Alexander the Great, Cleopatra the Queen. But what about the regular folks? What if they had talent shows back then? I can imagine it now: "Welcome to 'Ancient Alexandria's Got Talent.' Up next, we have Alexander the Great with his sword juggling act." And everyone's like, "Yeah, he's great, but can he juggle chariots?"
Then there's me, Alexander the Standup Guy, trying to impress the judges with my comedic prowess. "I conquered the art of timing, folks. I mean, it's hard to conquer a room when everyone's throwing rotten tomatoes at you.
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