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You ever notice how there's no proper etiquette for emergencies? Like, if you accidentally dial someone's number, you just say sorry and hang up, right? But if you accidentally dial 911, it's a whole production! "911, what's your emergency?" "Oh, sorry, wrong number." You can't just hang up! Now you're in too deep. You have to explain it wasn't an emergency, and you're not a threat to national security.
And they always sound a bit disappointed, don't they? "Oh, no emergency? I was ready for action! I had my superhero cape on and everything. Now I gotta go back to waiting for a real crisis.
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You ever notice how when you're in a crisis, people always say, "Call 911, what's your emergency?" Like, as if I've been sitting here meticulously planning my emergency for the day, right? "Well, let's see, it's Tuesday, I haven't had a good emergency in a while. Maybe I'll sprain an ankle or get stuck in an elevator. Decisions, decisions!" And have you ever called 911 and they start asking you all these questions? "What's your location?" I don't know, I'm not GPS! I'm just trying to survive here! "Can you describe the situation?" Yeah, it's an emergency; I'm not on a leisurely stroll, Karen! I don't have time to paint you a verbal picture!
It's like they're testing your crisis management skills. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how urgent is it?" I don't know, Susan, let me consult my emergency handbook and get back to you! It's a solid 9-1-1 on the emergency scale; how 'bout that?
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You ever call 911 and think, "This is it. I'm finally going to be the hero of my own action movie!" But then they put you on hold, and you're just sitting there, listening to elevator music, questioning your life choices. And when they finally answer, you try to sound calm and collected, like Liam Neeson in "Taken." "I have a very particular set of skills..." No, actually, I can't change a tire, and I panic when my Wi-Fi goes down. But, you know, baby steps.
And they always ask, "Can you stay on the line until help arrives?" Of course, I can! I was planning on hosting a radio show from my car, waiting for the ambulance. "Coming to you live from the scene of my own emergency, folks!
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You know, the other day, I accidentally pocket-dialed 911. Yeah, they called me back, and I had to convince them it was a butt-dial. It's an awkward conversation. "Sir, we received a call from this number. Is everything okay?" "Oh, yeah, sorry about that. It was just my butt having an emergency moment. It's a real drama queen." And then they're like, "Are you sure there's no emergency?" I'm thinking, "Well, not until you called me back and made it one! Now I'm stressed, and it's all your fault, 911!"
I feel like I should get an award for the most accidental 911 calls without ever having a real emergency. Like, "Congratulations, you've dialed 911 37 times this year, and not once has it been an actual crisis. You win the 'Accidental Emergency Enthusiast' award!
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