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Joke Types
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Why did my ex-girlfriend become a chef? She knows how to spice things up and then leave!
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Why did my ex-girlfriend become a tailor? She knows how to thread lightly and stitch me up!
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Why did my ex-girlfriend bring a ladder to our relationship? She wanted to take it to the next level!
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Why did my ex-girlfriend become a gardener? She wanted to let things go and let them grow!
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Why did my ex-girlfriend become a detective? She always knew when I was up to something!
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Why did my ex-girlfriend become a pilot? She wanted to keep things flying without any commitment!
Ghosted by a Ghostwriter
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Speaking of exes, my ghostwriter and I broke up recently. Yeah, turns out he thought I was too emotionally unavailable. I mean, come on, I'm a comedian – emotional unavailability is practically in the job description. But hey, at least now I know how it feels to be ghosted by a ghostwriter.
Ex-files in the Cloud
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My ex-girlfriend thought she could delete me from her life like clearing out her digital clutter. She said, I'm putting you in the trash bin of my heart. Little did she know, I'm like those files in the cloud – I'm always there, lurking, ready to pop up when she least expects it. Call me the emotional malware of relationships.
Ex-tra Credit
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You ever notice how your ex-girlfriend suddenly becomes a relationship expert post-breakup? Like, excuse me, Karen, but last time I checked, we both flunked out of Relationship 101. Now she's giving TED Talks on love and commitment? Please, someone give her a diploma in 'Ex-tra Credit' because apparently, she graduated with honors in breaking hearts.
Ex-ercise Regret
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Breaking up is tough, especially on the waistline. You know you're going through a rough patch when your breakup diet consists of ice cream, pizza, and regret. They call it emotional eating; I call it an 'ex-ercise' in self-destruction. I'm just trying to get that post-breakup revenge body – you know, the one where you look so good, your ex immediately regrets their life choices.
Ex Marks the Spot
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Breaking up is like trying to find a hidden treasure. You follow the map of your relationship, and just when you think you're about to strike gold, X marks the spot – and that's where your ex-girlfriend has buried all your favorite hoodies. It's like a breakup scavenger hunt, and the prize is heartbreak and missing socks.
Emotional eBay
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You ever try to sell stuff after a breakup? It's like an emotional eBay. For sale: One ex-girlfriend's collection of pet hair on every surface. Bidding starts at your sanity, and the buy-it-now price is your ability to trust again. Shipping not available – you have to pick up the pieces yourself.
Ex-Files
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Remember when your ex-girlfriend said she just wanted to be friends? Yeah, turns out she meant Friends with Benefits... for her. It's like the X-Files, but instead of aliens, it's just her mysterious ability to make you regret every life choice you've ever made.
Ex-communication
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Breaking up is like getting kicked out of a secret society. Suddenly, you're ex-communicated, and all the relationship rituals are off-limits. No more secret handshakes or shared Netflix passwords. It's like they change the locks to the heart, and you're left standing outside, wondering if you'll ever get back in.
The Ex-Factor
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You ever notice how they call it an 'ex-girlfriend' like it's some sort of software upgrade? You know, 'Upgrade to Ex-Girlfriend 2.0 for a life full of unexpected crashes and emotional bugs. And don't even get me started on the 'user manual' – that thing is written in hieroglyphics.
Ex-mas Gifts
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Breaking up around the holidays is the worst. Suddenly you're stuck with the dilemma of what to do with all those thoughtful gifts from your ex-girlfriend. Do you return them, regift them, or just set them on fire in a cleansing ritual to rid your life of relationship bad juju? It's like Santa Claus left you a present, and it's emotional baggage.
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