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I recently joined a gym, and they asked for my financial goals. I said, "Survival?" They looked at me like I was the "before" picture in a fitness transformation meme. My financial shape is more like a potato than a six-pack. I tried to do a home workout, but I couldn't afford weights, so I just lifted my hopes and dreams. Turns out, they're not that heavy – just crushing.
I thought about getting a financial advisor, but I can't even afford advice from myself. I'd be like, "Step one: Stop spending money. Step two: Well, that's it. I can't afford more steps.
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You know you're so poor when you celebrate holidays like a budget superhero. Forget Christmas lights; I decorate my house with overdue bills. It's the festive touch that says, "Santa, please bring me a financial miracle." On Halloween, I dressed up as a debt collector because, let's be honest, they're the only ones who ever visit me. I went trick-or-treating at the bank, but they just gave me foreclosure notices.
And Valentine's Day? I don't buy flowers; I just pick up the ones people throw away. Romance on a budget is recycling, my friends.
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You know you're so poor when your version of a luxury vacation is just turning off the hot water heater. I call it the "ice bucket challenge every morning." People are out there talking about five-star resorts, and I'm over here giving my shower a one-star review because it's colder than my ex's heart. And forget about those fancy meal subscription services. My idea of a gourmet meal is combining ramen noodles with ketchup. I call it "culinary fusion," but my taste buds call it an emergency.
I recently went to a thrift store to buy some new clothes, and the cashier looked at me and said, "Are you sure you want to spend that much?" I replied, "Lady, this shirt costs more than my net worth. I'm practically investing in myself!
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Dating when you're broke is like playing a game of Monopoly with no properties and no chance cards. All you have is the "Go to Jail" card, and that's your dating life – just a series of bad decisions. I took a girl out to a fast-food joint for our first date. She looked at the menu and said, "Do they take credit cards here?" I said, "Sweetheart, they don't even take self-respect here."
I tried to be romantic on a budget once. I lit some candles in my apartment, but it turns out you can't set the mood with emergency candles from the dollar store. She walked in and said, "Are we having a seance or a date?
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