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You ever notice how using WebMD is like predicting your own medical future? It's like, "Well, if I don't have a heart attack in the next 24 hours, I'll probably live to be a hundred. But if my left pinky tingles at 3:47 PM, I might not make it past 40." It's become a bizarre game of medical roulette. "Let me just spin the wheel and see which rare disease I get today. Oh, look, I landed on 'acute existential dread.' Great, thanks WebMD, for confirming that I'm not just physically falling apart, but also emotionally."
And don't even get me started on the "related searches" section. You start with a headache, and three clicks later, you're convinced you're an alien hybrid with a gluten intolerance. I can't be the only one who's ever gone down that rabbit hole, right?
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I tried convincing my friend to stop consulting Dr. Google for medical advice. I told him, "Dude, Google's not a doctor. It didn't go to medical school; it doesn't have a stethoscope. I mean, the closest thing Google has to a medical degree is probably an honorary one from a pop-up ad." But he's persistent. Every time he has a cough or a sneeze, he's on Google, self-diagnosing. And you know what the worst part is? He then tries to give me medical advice! I'm like, "Bro, the only thing you're qualified to prescribe is bad internet habits."
I can imagine a world where we all take medical advice from the internet. "Yeah, I had a sore throat, so I Googled it. Now I'm treating it with a combination of lemon juice, honey, and a strict regimen of cat videos. The internet said it's foolproof.
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You ever get those phantom pains that only exist after you've been on WebMD? It's like, "Oh, my back hurts now. I didn't notice it before, but according to my online research, it's probably a rare spinal condition." And then you start walking around like you're auditioning for a medical drama. You're limping, sighing dramatically, hoping someone will ask, "Are you okay?" so you can unleash your newfound knowledge of obscure diseases.
I'm starting to think WebMD is creating illnesses on the spot. Like, I'm pretty sure I read about a condition called "keyboarditis" last time I was on there. Symptoms include sore fingers and a compulsive need to type "why do my fingers hurt" into a search engine. It's a vicious cycle, folks. A vicious cycle.
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You ever find yourself on WebMD, convinced you're a medical prodigy? Like, forget Google, WebMD is the real doctor, right? I mean, I type in a symptom, and suddenly I'm convinced I'm the first person ever with this rare, unheard-of condition. "Oh, you're saying it's just a common cold? No, doc, I read on WebMD, it's definitely monkeypox." And then there's that moment of panic when you start reading the symptoms. Every little ache and pain suddenly becomes a life-altering catastrophe. "Slight headache? Must be a brain tumor. Yup, no doubt about it." I'm practically ready to update my will every time I go on there.
And don't even get me started on those user forums. You'll find people on there diagnosing themselves with diseases that haven't been relevant since the 1800s. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have scurvy. I haven't had an orange in weeks." Meanwhile, actual doctors are facepalming somewhere, wondering how the internet turned us all into hypochondriac geniuses.
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