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Why did the rich man bring a ladder to the bank? He wanted to check his balance!
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The Riches: Where the phrase 'tight budget' means deciding between a gold-plated Lamborghini or a diamond-studded Tesla. I tried budgeting once, but my accountant quit when he realized my idea of a budget was just a list of things I want to buy.
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I tried to join the ranks of the wealthy, but it turns out, you can't deposit charisma at the bank. I asked the teller if charm was an acceptable currency, and she just smiled and handed me a penny.
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The Riches: Because sometimes a humble mansion with only 20 rooms just won't cut it. I live in an apartment so small; my refrigerator is also my pantry, wine cellar, and panic room.
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Fortune favors the bold, but it seems to favor the ridiculously wealthy even more. I tried to be bold once, but all I got was a bold font on my credit card statement.
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The Riches: Because apparently, having a butler for your butler is a thing now. I asked my butler if he needed assistance, and he said, 'Yes, could you fetch my assistant?'
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The Riches: Where the term 'cash flow' means how quickly you can swim in a pool filled with hundred-dollar bills. I tried it once, and let me tell you, paper cuts on your way to opulence are a real concern.
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The Riches: Where the only time you're down to your last million is when the yacht's fuel gauge hits empty. I once said I was feeling a bit 'boat,' and my friend asked, 'Like, G6?'
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They say money can't buy happiness, but I'd like to test that theory with a yacht, a private island, and a solid gold taco. If I'm still not happy, at least I'll have a great story for my therapist.
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I heard the key to happiness is not in the wallet, but try convincing my wallet of that. It's so unhappy, it's threatening to leave me for someone wealthier – maybe a trust fund baby with a golden pacifier.
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