bestTrending Topics
Joke Types
0
0
I've been job hunting, and they always say, "You need to network." So, I thought, why not? I grabbed my ethernet cable and started walking around the neighborhood, trying to connect with people. Turns out, that's not what they meant. My neighbor was like, "Dude, get out of my bushes, and why do you have a cable?" I also took "cover letter" quite literally. I sent out my resume wrapped in an actual cover letter. You know, like a cozy blanket. I thought it would warm up my chances. Needless to say, I got a rejection email saying they were looking for qualifications, not insulation.
And interviews? I prepared for a panel interview by bringing a folding chair. They said it was a figure of speech. I guess they didn't appreciate me taking a seat literally.
0
0
Dating is tough when you take things literally. I asked someone if they wanted to be my "plus one," and they thought I was talking about math. I had to explain that I wasn't asking for a date to a calculus class. When they said, "Love is blind," I took it as a challenge. I blindfolded myself on a date, and let me tell you, it did not go well. I mistook the waiter for my date and spent the evening complimenting him on his voice.
And you know the phrase, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? I thought it was about surgery or something. I showed up with a scalpel, and my date ran away faster than you can say "emergency room.
0
0
You ever have those days when you just take things way too literally? I mean, I'm the guy who, when someone told me to break a leg, I actually went out and broke a leg! Now I'm hobbling around, and people are like, "Dude, it's just a saying!" I'm like, "Well, nobody said that when I broke my arm after someone told me to give it a shot." And let's talk about "spill the beans." I was at a party, someone said, "Hey, don't spill the beans, but did you hear about Jeff?" Next thing you know, I'm on the floor, covered in baked beans, and everyone's looking at me like, "Dude, we were just talking about his promotion!"
Seems like I'm always taking things to the extreme. My girlfriend asked me to open up emotionally, so I bought a can opener and started discussing my feelings while popping open a can of soup. She wasn't impressed, but hey, at least I'm being literal!
0
0
I decided to get in shape, and they always say, "No pain, no gain." So, I took it to heart. I signed up for a fitness class and showed up with a sad face, saying, "I'm here for the pain, where's the gain?" The instructor just stared at me, probably thinking I was a fitness masochist. And let's talk about "burning calories." I took it so literally; I set my salad on fire. Now, I'm banned from the salad bar, and they've upgraded my gym membership to include fire extinguisher training.
Oh, and when they said, "You have to break a sweat," I thought, why not? I went to the gym with a hammer and tried smashing a watermelon. Turns out, they meant exercise, not fruit destruction.
Post a Comment