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Why did the survivalist refuse to take a map? They preferred to 'navigate' their own way!
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Why did the survival expert bring a pencil to the jungle? In case he needed to draw some conclusions!
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Why was the survival instructor so calm during the storm? They knew how to weather the situation!
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Survival lesson of the day: How to properly identify edible berries - Step 1: Eat only if you're feeling berry confident!
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Why did the survivalist bring a ladder into the wilderness? To take their survival skills to a new level!
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Why did the survivalist bring a mirror to the desert? To practice their 'sunny-side-up' survival skills!
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Why was the survivalist always invited to parties? They knew how to start a fire with their jokes!
Emergency Snack Strategies
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Survival is tough, folks. I've got a strategy for emergencies. I keep snacks in every room of my house. You never know when you'll be trapped in the bathroom for an extended period. That's not just a bookshelf in there; it's my survival pantry.
Insect Intruders
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Surviving in the summer is a battle against insect invaders. I've become a master bug negotiator. Listen, Mr. Mosquito, you can have a sip of my blood, but you better not leave an itchy Yelp review. We're talking one-star territory here!
Survival of the Wittiest
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You know, they say it's all about survival of the fittest, but I've upgraded it to survival of the wittiest. I mean, if quick comebacks were a survival skill, I'd be leading the pack. Watch out, Darwin, I'm evolving into a sarcastic genius!
Fashionable Survival
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They say fashion is a form of self-expression. Well, I've expressed myself as someone who survived the '90s. Baggy pants, questionable hairstyles—I'm a walking testament to questionable life choices. Survival of the fashionably unfazed.
Dishwasher Dilemmas
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Surviving the post-dinner cleanup is an epic saga. My dishwasher is like a puzzle master, creating a 3D jigsaw puzzle with my dishes. I spend more time rearranging plates than I do eating. It's not a kitchen; it's a dish-based escape room.
Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness
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People talk about being ready for a zombie apocalypse. I'm not sure about you, but I've got my plan sorted. I've been training for years—specifically, in the art of outrunning slow walkers. I call it zombie cardio. I figure if I can survive a mall on Black Friday, I can handle the undead.
The Ultimate Survival Skill: Dodging Awkward Conversations
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I've mastered the ultimate survival skill: dodging awkward conversations. If avoiding small talk were an Olympic sport, I'd have a gold medal. I can sense discomfort from a mile away and pivot the conversation like a ninja. Call me the conversation sensei.
Social Media Maneuvers
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Surviving social media is an art. I've developed a skill where I can unfollow people without them noticing. It's like social media stealth mode. You'll never see it coming. If only I could apply the same technique to avoid family gatherings.
Surviving Mondays
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Surviving Mondays should be an Olympic event. The first day of the week hits you like a ton of bricks. If my alarm had a snooze button that physically pushed me back into bed, Monday would be a breeze. It's not a workweek; it's a survival reality show, and Monday is the dramatic season premiere.
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