19 Jokes About Survival

Puns

Updated on: Aug 09 2025

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Why did the survivalist refuse to take a map? They preferred to 'navigate' their own way!
Why did the survival expert bring a pencil to the jungle? In case he needed to draw some conclusions!
How do survivalists measure time? In camp-seconds!
Why was the survival instructor so calm during the storm? They knew how to weather the situation!
Survival lesson of the day: How to properly identify edible berries - Step 1: Eat only if you're feeling berry confident!
Why did the survivalist bring a ladder into the wilderness? To take their survival skills to a new level!
What do you call a survivalist who loves pasta? A macgyveroni!
Why did the survivalist bring a mirror to the desert? To practice their 'sunny-side-up' survival skills!
Why was the survivalist always invited to parties? They knew how to start a fire with their jokes!

Emergency Snack Strategies

Survival is tough, folks. I've got a strategy for emergencies. I keep snacks in every room of my house. You never know when you'll be trapped in the bathroom for an extended period. That's not just a bookshelf in there; it's my survival pantry.

Insect Intruders

Surviving in the summer is a battle against insect invaders. I've become a master bug negotiator. Listen, Mr. Mosquito, you can have a sip of my blood, but you better not leave an itchy Yelp review. We're talking one-star territory here!

Survival of the Wittiest

You know, they say it's all about survival of the fittest, but I've upgraded it to survival of the wittiest. I mean, if quick comebacks were a survival skill, I'd be leading the pack. Watch out, Darwin, I'm evolving into a sarcastic genius!

Fashionable Survival

They say fashion is a form of self-expression. Well, I've expressed myself as someone who survived the '90s. Baggy pants, questionable hairstyles—I'm a walking testament to questionable life choices. Survival of the fashionably unfazed.

Dishwasher Dilemmas

Surviving the post-dinner cleanup is an epic saga. My dishwasher is like a puzzle master, creating a 3D jigsaw puzzle with my dishes. I spend more time rearranging plates than I do eating. It's not a kitchen; it's a dish-based escape room.

Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness

People talk about being ready for a zombie apocalypse. I'm not sure about you, but I've got my plan sorted. I've been training for years—specifically, in the art of outrunning slow walkers. I call it zombie cardio. I figure if I can survive a mall on Black Friday, I can handle the undead.

The Ultimate Survival Skill: Dodging Awkward Conversations

I've mastered the ultimate survival skill: dodging awkward conversations. If avoiding small talk were an Olympic sport, I'd have a gold medal. I can sense discomfort from a mile away and pivot the conversation like a ninja. Call me the conversation sensei.

Social Media Maneuvers

Surviving social media is an art. I've developed a skill where I can unfollow people without them noticing. It's like social media stealth mode. You'll never see it coming. If only I could apply the same technique to avoid family gatherings.

Surviving Mondays

Surviving Mondays should be an Olympic event. The first day of the week hits you like a ton of bricks. If my alarm had a snooze button that physically pushed me back into bed, Monday would be a breeze. It's not a workweek; it's a survival reality show, and Monday is the dramatic season premiere.

Microwave Melodrama

Microwaving leftovers is a survival challenge. You press one wrong button, and suddenly your lasagna is hotter than the sun. I swear, my microwave has a vendetta against me. It's not cooking; it's playing a culinary game of Russian roulette.

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