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Ever had someone give you a shove so subtle, you're not sure if it happened or if you just stumbled? It's the sneak attack of physical communication. You're left standing there, questioning your balance and your friendships. I had a friend who mastered the art of the sneaky shove. He'd be like, "Oh, what's that over there?" And while you're distracted, BAM, a little nudge to the side. It's like living with a ninja who moonlights as a personal space invader.
I've started wearing a "No Shoving" sign around my neck, just to be safe. But then, of course, people started shoving me to see if the sign was lying. It's a lose-lose situation, folks.
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You ever notice how we all have that one friend who can't express themselves without giving you a little shove? Like, instead of saying, "Hey, I disagree," they go for the full-on physical confrontation. It's like they skipped kindergarten and went straight to WWE school. I was talking to my friend the other day, and I said, "I don't think pineapple belongs on pizza." Next thing I know, I'm catching a shove that would make a linebacker proud. I'm thinking, "Dude, it's a difference of opinion, not a mosh pit!"
I've decided we need a Shove Translator app. You input the shove, and it tells you what your friend was trying to say. "Two-handed shove from the left? Oh, he thinks your taste in music is garbage. Got it!
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We need some innovative solutions for the shove problem. How about a personal bubble shield? Just press a button, and you're encased in an impenetrable force field. No more surprise shoves ruining your day. Or what about a Shove Anonymous support group? We gather once a week to share our shove stories and find healthier ways to express our opinions. "Hi, I'm Dave, and I used to be a chronic shover. Now, I write strongly worded emails instead."
I'm telling you, with a little creativity, we can turn the shove epidemic into a comedy goldmine. Shove therapy, coming to a community center near you!
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Can we talk about the unspoken rules of shoving? There's a whole etiquette to it. Like, if you're gonna shove someone, at least make sure they see it coming. It's like a surprise party, but instead of balloons, you get a bruise. And what's with the preemptive shovers? You know, those friends who shove you just in case you were about to say something dumb. It's like they're preemptively hitting the mute button on your brain. "I sense stupidity incoming, better shut it down!"
I'm thinking of starting a Shove Etiquette school. Lesson one: No shoving during emotional moments. You don't see people shoving each other at weddings, right? "I now pronounce you— BAM! Oh, they're just expressing their love, folks!
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