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Who even leaves voicemails anymore? My girlfriend, that's who. And let me tell you, deciphering her voicemails is like trying to crack the Da Vinci Code. "Hey, it's me. Call me back." Call you back for what? Did you accidentally order a herd of alpacas online, and I need to bail you out? Give me some context! I've started to believe that voicemails are her way of testing my detective skills. "If he truly loves me, he'll figure out why I called." Newsflash, sweetheart – I can barely figure out why I went into the kitchen half the time.
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You know, my girlfriend, she calls me... a lot. I mean, seriously, I've started to think that she has a secret quota for the number of times she needs to call me in a day. It's like, "Babe, is there a checklist I don't know about? Did I miss the memo? 'Call him at 2 PM – check. Ask about his day at 5 PM – check.'" I figured I'd be smooth and set a personalized ringtone for her calls, you know, make it romantic. But now, every time I hear that ringtone, I get instant anxiety. It's like Pavlov's dog, but instead of salivating, I break into a cold sweat. And don't get me started on the times I forget to silence my phone. It's like playing Russian roulette, but with relationship repercussions.
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Late-night calls, folks – the Bermuda Triangle of relationships. She calls me at 2 AM and goes, "Hey, just wanted to hear your voice." Now, don't get me wrong, I love that she loves my voice, but at 2 AM? There are only two acceptable reasons to call me at that hour: Either the house is on fire, or Ryan Gosling has shown up at our door, and even then, send me a text first! I've started questioning if she's secretly auditioning for a role in a romantic comedy. "What if he's dreaming about our love at this very moment?" No, honey, at 2 AM, I'm dreaming about a magical place called Sleepsville.
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I've become an artist, my friends – a master of the subtle art of ignoring calls. It's a delicate dance between hitting the ignore button and sending a reassuring text like, "Sorry, was in the shower," or "I was rescuing puppies from a burning building – priorities, you know?" I've even considered getting a part-time job as a secret agent, just to have a legitimate excuse for missing calls. But here's the paradox: If I ignore her calls, she gets upset. If I answer every time, she thinks I have no life. It's a lose-lose situation. So now, I've developed a compromise – I answer, but I do it like I'm solving a crime. "Detective Johnson here, what seems to be the emergency?
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