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So, I've been thinking about these world records, and it's like everyone wants to be the fastest or the strongest. But what about the slowest? I mean, why can't we celebrate slowness? I tried setting the record for the longest time taken to eat a single M&M. Yeah, just one tiny piece of chocolate. I invited my friends over, they were placing bets on how long it would take. I started with the usual M&M-eating strategies - sorting them by color, licking off the candy coating first - you know, the usual. Thirty minutes in, and I'm still savoring that first M&M. My friends were on the edge of their seats, probably regretting placing bets.
Finally, after an hour and a half, I triumphantly finished that M&M. The crowd went wild... with confusion. I may not have broken any records, but I did prove that patience is indeed a virtue, especially when it comes to chocolate.
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You know what record I'd love to break? The record for the longest time spent searching for the TV remote. Seriously, where does that thing go? It's like the remote has its own secret society, and every time I need it, it's off on some remote adventure. I've turned my house upside down looking for that elusive clicker. I've retraced my steps, interrogated my family, and even considered hiring a detective. I can imagine the headline now: "Local Comedian Sets New Record for Longest Remote Hunt – Film at 11."
And just when I'm about to give up and accept a life of manually changing channels, there it is, hiding in plain sight. I swear, the remote is playing mind games with me. If only searching for the remote was an Olympic sport, I'd have a gold medal by now.
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Hey folks! So, the other day, I was feeling ambitious, you know, like I wanted to make a mark, leave a legacy, be remembered for something grand. And then it hit me - why not break a world record? Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking - "What? Most marshmallows stuffed in your mouth?" No, no, no. I aimed for something bigger. I decided to break the world record for the longest time spent staring at a wall. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out. The current record was a whopping 24 hours. So, I set up camp in my living room, stared at that wall, and folks, let me tell you, time moves at a different pace when you're doing absolutely nothing. After the first hour, I was already negotiating with the wall - "Come on, just let me win this one!"
But here's the kicker - after 23 hours and 59 minutes, I blinked! Can you believe it? A single blink and my dreams of record-breaking glory shattered. Now I hold a personal record for the world's shortest attempt at the longest stare. Who needs a Guinness World Record when you have a one-second attention span?
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You know, they say records are meant to be broken. But what about setting records for the most record-breaking attempts? Yeah, I decided to become the person with the most failed world record attempts. I figured if I couldn't be the best at something, I could at least be the worst at being the best. I started with something simple - the most failed attempts at juggling. Spoiler alert: juggling is hard. I tried with oranges, bowling pins, even marshmallows (I guess they do come in handy). But no matter what I did, those objects just refused to stay in the air.
I moved on to other records - the most failed attempts at somersaults, the most failed attempts at solving a Rubik's Cube blindfolded. At this point, I'm practically a professional failure. But hey, someone's gotta do it, right?
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