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You're so late," they say, like I just invented time travel and overshot the destination. If I had a time machine, I'd probably still be late. I'd be that guy who arrives at the Renaissance when everyone's already moved on to the Industrial Revolution. Can you imagine being a time traveler and getting a reputation for being tardy? "Yeah, Bob from the future is always late. Last week, he missed the signing of the Declaration of Independence. He sent a text saying, 'Be there in a sec, gotta grab a snack.'
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I need a GPS that understands my fashionably late lifestyle. "In 300 feet, make a grand entrance. If you've passed the venue, make a U-turn and try again—this time with more pizzazz." And have you noticed how GPS always tries to save time by suggesting shortcuts? Yeah, I tried that once. Ended up in someone's backyard BBQ, holding a gift, pretending I was invited. The GPS said, "You have arrived at your destination." Yeah, the destination of awkwardness.
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I'm so late that I think they should create a Late Night Olympics. Forget sprinting or pole vaulting; we'd have events like "Speed Apology" and "Last-Minute Outfit Change." I'd take home the gold in the "Arriving Just in Time for the Credits" category. Picture it: me, running down the street, popcorn flying everywhere, just to catch the end of the movie. The judges would hold up cards, and instead of scores, they'd have comments like, "Nice effort, but you missed the opening joke. Better luck next time, champ!
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You ever notice how people say, "You're so late" like it's breaking news? I mean, I'm not running on CPT (Colored People Time), but I do have my own time zone—it's called "fashionably late." It's the only time zone where the later you are, the cooler you seem. I was so late to a meeting the other day; they thought I was there for the next quarter's strategy. I just strolled in, sunglasses on, pretending like I just got back from a secret mission. Mission impossible? Nah, mission fashionably late!
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