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Let me tell you about Todd's lunch habits. The man brings a salad every day, but it's not just any salad. It's a salad with ingredients I didn't even know existed. Quinoa, kale, chia seeds – it's like he raided a health food store and threw it all in a Tupperware container. I tried to be healthy once and joined him for lunch. I brought my sad sandwich, and Todd looks at me like I just insulted his kale. He says, "You are what you eat, my friend." I'm thinking, "Well, Todd, in that case, I guess I'm a confused sandwich trying to find its purpose in life."
But here's the kicker. Todd doesn't just eat his salad; he performs a ritual. He sits in the breakroom, puts on noise-canceling headphones, and starts chewing each bite like he's solving a complex math problem. I swear, it's the most intense salad-eating experience you'll ever witness.
I started taking bets with my coworkers on what exotic ingredient he'll bring next. Last week, it was spirulina. I had to Google it. Turns out, it's some superfood algae. Todd, you're turning the office fridge into a science experiment. Just bring a sandwich like the rest of us, man.
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You know, for someone who thinks he's a technological wizard, Todd can't seem to grasp the basics of modern technology. The man is still using a flip phone. I kid you not, a flip phone in 2023. I asked him about it, and he said, "Smartphones are a distraction. I stay focused with my reliable flipper." Reliable? Todd, it's 2023, not 2003. The only thing that flip phone is good for is playing Snake during a boring meeting. Meanwhile, Todd is over there looking like he's communicating with the mothership.
And don't get me started on his computer skills. He's the guy who calls IT because his mouse ran out of batteries. I overheard him telling the IT guy, "I think my mouse is possessed. It's moving on its own." No, Todd, it's called a wireless mouse. It's not possessed; it's just cordless. Welcome to the future.
I'm starting a tech support hotline just for Todd. He can call and ask questions like, "How do I turn on caps lock?" and "Why does my computer screen go to sleep?" Todd, if you're listening, it's time to upgrade. The flip phone and I are waving at you from the future.
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You ever have that one guy at work who thinks he's some sort of office ninja? Yeah, we have one too. Todd. I swear, this guy moves around the office like he's auditioning for a part in the Matrix. Dodging coworkers, avoiding eye contact – he's a real-life ninja, but instead of a sword, he's armed with a stapler. The other day, I tried to strike up a casual conversation with him by the coffee machine. I said, "Hey Todd, how's it going?" And he responds with this mysterious whisper, "Surviving the corporate jungle, my friend." Corporate jungle? Dude, we're in a cubicle farm, not the Amazon rainforest. I half-expect him to pull out nunchucks from his briefcase.
And then there's his email etiquette. Todd writes emails like he's crafting secret spy messages. Everything is coded and cryptic. I got an email from him that just said, "Meeting at 2 PM. Bring the intel." Intel? Todd, we're discussing quarterly reports, not planning a heist.
I've started calling him the "Office Ninja," and now whenever he walks by, I can't help but hum the Mission: Impossible theme in my head. Todd, if you're out there, the only thing you're sneaking up on is the office vending machine.
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So, I found out Todd is into fitness. I know, shocking. But here's the thing – he's one of those guys who's way too enthusiastic about it. He's always giving unsolicited workout advice, like he's the Tony Robbins of the gym. I saw him in the breakroom once, snacking on kale chips and dispensing fitness wisdom. He said, "The key to a healthy life is balance. You need to balance your mind, body, and soul." I'm thinking, "Todd, I'm just trying to balance my coffee without spilling it. Slow down with the life-changing advice."
But the best part is when he convinced the office to do a group workout during lunch. We're all in our business casual attire, doing awkward lunges in the parking lot. Todd's leading the charge, shouting, "Feel the burn, embrace the pain!" I'm embracing the pain, alright – the pain of embarrassment.
I'm convinced Todd thinks he's training us for the corporate Olympics. I've got news for you, Todd – the only gold medal I'm winning is for the most creative excuse to avoid lunges. Next time, let's stick to a team-building exercise we can all get behind, like ordering pizza. Balance achieved.
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