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Hey, everybody! So, I recently got hit with one of those customer satisfaction surveys. You know the ones that pop up on your phone or in your email, asking you to rate your experience? I'm convinced they're designed by sadists. They come at the worst times, like when you're stuck in traffic or in the middle of a family argument. I got one after a doctor's appointment. I'm sitting there in the waiting room, still wearing the paper gown they gave me – you know, the one that makes you feel like a rejected superhero. Suddenly, my phone pings, and it's a survey asking me to rate my experience. Seriously? I'm half-naked and waiting for a diagnosis. What do you want me to say, "Great ambiance, but the fashion choices are lacking"?
And don't get me started on those mandatory workplace surveys. They act like they care about our opinions, but it's just a trap. "On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate the coffee in the break room?" Well, let me tell you, if I'm rating the coffee, it's an automatic zero. It's like they brewed it with recycled tire water.
You ever notice they never ask the important questions? Like, "How many times have you fantasized about quitting and becoming a professional dog walker?" Now that's a survey I'd take seriously.
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So, I've been navigating the treacherous waters of online dating. It's like a never-ending survey of compatibility. They ask you about your hobbies, your interests, and what you'd do in a zombie apocalypse. Because apparently, your ability to survive the undead is crucial to finding love. And then there's that "ideal first date" question. They want creativity, but not too much. You can't say, "A moonlit picnic on Mars" because that's just setting yourself up for failure. But you also can't say, "Netflix and chill," because apparently, that's code for "I'm boring."
I got matched with someone recently, and their profile said they enjoyed long walks on the beach. Great, right? I suggested a beach date, thinking it was a slam dunk. Turns out, they were more of a "sitting on the beach with a book" kind of person. So now I'm there, trying to impress them with my sandcastle-building skills. Romance, right?
And the worst part is the ghosting. You spend all this time answering their survey questions, and then they vanish without a trace. It's like being rejected by a multiple-choice test. "Sorry, the correct answer was D: None of the above.
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Have you ever noticed how technology is always trying to figure out who you are? It's like a nosy neighbor constantly asking questions. I got this new smart home device, and it's always trying to get personal. It asked me, "What's your preferred temperature?" I don't know, whatever doesn't make me sweat or freeze, how about that? And then it wants to know my favorite music genre. I'm sitting there thinking, "Can you play 'I'm-too-tired-to-deal-with-this' genre?"
And don't get me started on social media algorithms. They're like that friend who thinks they know you better than you know yourself. "Based on your recent likes, we think you'd love this cat video." I mean, sure, I like a good cat video, but I also have interests beyond furry feline antics.
I feel like our devices are creating a virtual version of us that we don't even recognize. Pretty soon, our toasters will be recommending self-help books. "You seem a little burnt out, maybe try 'Toasting Your Way to Inner Peace.'
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I recently became a parent, and let me tell you, it's like living inside a never-ending survey. Every decision feels like it's being scrutinized. There's no handbook for this stuff, but society's acting like there is. The worst is the unsolicited advice. "Oh, you're using disposable diapers? You should really consider the ones made from organic bamboo harvested by Tibetan monks during a full moon." Really? I'm just trying to keep my kid from using their crib as a trampoline.
And then there are the parenting surveys they give you at the doctor's office. "Is your child speaking in full sentences? Can they recite the alphabet backward in Mandarin?" No, my kid can't even say "alphabet" yet, but they sure know how to make a mess with spaghetti.
I'm convinced that parenting is just one big experiment, and we're all test subjects in the grand survey of life. But you know what they say, "If at first, you don't succeed, call your mom for advice.
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