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Being sober also means you're the designated adult in the group. You're the one who has to deal with the chaos while your friends are out there making poor life choices. I recently found myself at a karaoke bar surrounded by drunken renditions of "Bohemian Rhapsody." Now, don't get me wrong, I love Freddie Mercury, but hearing a bunch of off-key Freddies is a sober person's nightmare. And have you ever tried giving advice to a drunk friend? It's like trying to teach a cat to do algebra. They nod along, but you know it's not sinking in. "Bro, you gotta stop texting your ex." And they're like, "Nah, it's cool. I just told her I miss her cat. It's a conversation starter.
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You ever notice how when you're sober, life hits you like a ton of bricks? I mean, the other day, I had this profound realization that my favorite childhood game, "Hide and Seek," is just training for adulting. I spend half my day hiding from responsibilities, and the other half seeking the will to do them. But seriously, being sober is like having a constant reality check. The other night, I was at a party, and everyone was dancing and having a great time. I'm standing there, thinking, "Wait a minute, I can actually understand the lyrics to this song. What is this madness?"
It's not that I don't enjoy being sober, but it's like discovering the backstage of a magic show. You see how the tricks are done, and suddenly, life's just a guy in a top hat pulling rabbits out of a hat. And you're like, "Really, universe? That's the best you got?
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You know, being sober gives you these weird superpowers. Like, I can remember everyone's name at a party. I'm like a walking, talking Rolodex. Meanwhile, my friends are introducing themselves for the tenth time, and I'm standing there thinking, "I've known you for five years, Steve. Get it together." And the next-day clarity is like having a cheat code for life. I wake up feeling like I could run a marathon, solve world hunger, and write a novel—all before breakfast. Meanwhile, my hungover friends are lying in bed, regretting every decision they made the night before.
So, here's to being sober, the real-life superhero origin story no one asked for.
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Dating while sober is a whole different ball game. It's like playing chess while everyone else is playing Twister. You're trying to make meaningful connections, and they're doing body shots off each other. I recently went on a sober date, and my date asked, "Do you want to grab a drink?" I said, "No, but we can grab a coffee." And they looked at me like I suggested we sacrifice a goat to the coffee gods. It's amazing how many people can't fathom a date without alcohol. I guess they think the coffee shop is where dreams go to die.
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