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People tell me, "You should get some sun!" I'm like, "Why? So I can look like a lobster that's been left in the pot for too long?" No, thank you. I'll stick to my vampire chic.
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You ever see a pale person try to blend in at a summer barbecue? It's like watching a snowman at a beach party. We're just waiting for someone to hand us a carrot nose and call it a day.
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You know, being pale has its advantages. Like, when I go to the beach, I don't need sunscreen; I need a spotlight! Seriously, it's like the sun takes one look at me and thinks, "Better not risk it.
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I tried using one of those self-tanning lotions once. Ended up looking like a carrot that went to a Halloween party. Lesson learned: embrace the porcelain look.
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Tan lines? Please. For me, it's all about the SPF-100 lines. I've got more shades of white than a paint swatch at Home Depot.
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You ever notice how pale people become instant experts on cloud formations? We're out there, squinting at the sky, pretending we know the difference between a cirrus and a cumulus. Spoiler alert: we don't.
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I once tried a bronzer. Thought I'd give it a go, you know, change things up. Let's just say I ended up looking like I had a passionate affair with a bag of Doritos.
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I went to a tanning salon once. They said they had a special "ghostly glow" package for people like me. Let's just say, I walked out looking more translucent than before.
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You know you're pale when even the moon looks at you and says, "Dang, girl, you need some sunlight." I'm like the poster child for nocturnal creatures everywhere.
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