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You know, being a meat eater in today's world is tough. There's so much pressure to be healthy and environmentally conscious. I mean, I love a good steak, but now I feel like I need to apologize to the planet every time I take a bite. I tried going vegetarian once, and it lasted for about a day. I looked at a carrot and thought, "This is it? This is what I'm supposed to enjoy for the rest of my life?" I missed the days when my plate looked like a crime scene.
Now, there are these plant-based burgers that supposedly taste like the real thing. I tried one, and let me tell you, it tasted like disappointment wrapped in a lettuce leaf. I need my burgers to moo, not moo-shroom!
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You ever notice the tension between meat eaters and vegans? It's like the ultimate food war. The other day, I saw a meat lover and a vegan arguing, and it was intense. Meat Lover: "I can't live without my juicy steaks and sizzling bacon!"
Vegan: "Well, I can't live with the guilt of killing innocent plants!"
Meat Lover: "Plants don't have feelings!"
Vegan: "Tell that to my kale."
It's like they're from two different planets. I tried to mediate, but it didn't work. I said, "Can't we all just get along and eat a salad with a side of ribs?" They weren't having it. The salad got thrown across the room, and the ribs were used as a peace offering. It's a food fight that never ends.
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You know, I recently stumbled upon this support group called "Meat Eaters Anonymous." Can you believe that? A support group for people addicted to meat! I thought, "Well, at least they're admitting it, right?" I mean, I've heard of Alcoholics Anonymous, but this is a whole new level. I imagine their meetings go something like this:
Group Leader: "Hi, everyone. Welcome to Meat Eaters Anonymous. Let's start with our introductions. I'll go first. Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm a carnivore."
Group in Unison: "Hi, Bob!"
Bob: "It's been three days since my last steak, and I'm really struggling with this salad I brought for lunch."
I mean, come on! If your biggest problem in life is choosing between a ribeye and a salad, I think you're doing pretty well. I can imagine the awkward moments when someone accidentally brings a veggie burger to the meeting. Talk about being in the wrong place!
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Ever notice how meat eaters become covert agents when they're around vegans? It's like we're part of some secret meat-eating society, and we have to hide our true identity. Vegan: "Is that a veggie wrap you're eating?"
Meat Eater:
whispering
"Uh, yeah, totally. Just a garden medley of happiness."
Vegan: "Nice! I'm so glad you're embracing the plant-based lifestyle."
Meat Eater:
nodding
"Absolutely. Kale is life."
Little do they know, I've got a secret stash of beef jerky in my pocket. It's like being a meat-eating ninja, stealthily enjoying a carnivorous snack without blowing my cover.
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